I Try To Drown My Demons, But They Know How To Swim

Have you ever been... Alone?

I feel so alone day in and day out that my life no longer feels as if it belongs to me. People just come in to use me, then leave when I'm no longer useful. 

I just want to be loved, truly like the voice loves me, but that's all in my head. Thinking it might come true is the only thing keeping me alive; my future is all I think about, planning and deciding for the future, never present in the present and haunted by the past. 

I just want to be free from this box that has been built around me by others, my trauma, and my mind. I try to let people in, I really do, but they never seem to stay. Are the flames of my hell too hot for them? 

So I lie, and lie to give them a reason to stay at least that's why I started, to protect myself. Now, it's second nature, and I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. "You talk too much," I know that. I don't know why I do it either. Is it to give people a reason to stay so they will pity me? At this point, I'll take any kind of love I can get: pity love, inconsistent love, imaginary love; I've endured it all, all but real love. 

My heart feels so empty it's given all it can give. I feel so empty, my vision blurry, lips dry, skin pale, feet cold, head dizzy, mind racing, but no one seems to notice. They look at me as if I'm some burden. Smile and laugh only when I'm not there, talk about me behind my back, imagine life without me, lock me away from the world embarrassed by the person I am. Now, how could you claim to love someone you show no love to? 

All conversations only look at your problems and how my issues affect you, caring more about how people see you rather than the health of your own daughter. You call me selfish my whole life for not worshiping you and kissing your feet because you decided to give birth to me, but I've realized you're projecting your feelings onto me. You're the selfish one, only seeing how things affect you as the world revolves around you, finding anything to blame on me, not realizing I've put you before myself my whole life. 

I didn't stay at the hospital because of the words you said to me, calling me selfish for wanting help, but then I am also selfish if I don't ask for it. I wanted to stay and get the help I needed; I wanted to go back to school, but I knew if I did, all I would do was worry. I wanted to tell someone about what he did to me that night, but I knew if I did, you would only blame yourself.

When I do build up the courage to ask for help, I'm ignored, looked down at, and told I'm a child, but I am a child. I am a naive child. It's why I made so many mistakes, just because you had to grow up early doesn't mean I have to too. Stop projecting your childhood onto me that makes you know better than your own parents. You are the source of so many of my problems, not him. 

You hurt me more than he ever could. I'd rather endure what I went through on July 7th, 2019, over and over, even the car ride back, than hear your voice and feel your touch. Your touch makes my skin crawl. It isn't that I don't like being touched, if anything I'm an extremely affectionate person, it's just I don't like being touched by you. It makes me so uncomfortable.

You aren't my reason to live but to die. I only cried for you in the hospital because I knew what awaited me once I did get out, and I wanted to get it over with. The longer I stayed, the longer I would have to hear your voice. 

I realize I plan for the future so much because I plan for a future without you. I resent you, but not for the reasons you think, but for much more. It doesn't matter how much I cry and scream and the number of people who pity that I must stay locked away by your hands; you will never listen. 

I get all my worst traits from you, the lying and the inability to listen, which are the same traits you resent me for. I learned from the best. If my destiny is to die if I stay in this cage, you made for me. then so be it. Let this be my suicide note. May you look at my dead and cold body, remembering all the times you yelled at me for being cold and sick; may you look at all the scars on my body, knowing I was trying to silence the voices you created, and may you look around at my empty funeral knowing because you kept me locked away I died alone. 

But no. 

This note will not lay in my casket but yours. You will probably read this someday and hear all the words you have ignored for years. I will not allow you to be the death of me, so I will live the future I work so hard to plan. I will make as many scars as needed to silence the voices you created. 

I don't wish ill for you because I know you have just as much pain or even more to heal from, but you have cut the cord connecting us far too many times, and I will not be able to be with you through it. I had to deal with it alone, as should you. 

Your words still hurt, and so do your actions, but every flame you spit out at me may cause another burn to occur on my body, only for the voice to come along and kiss it all better. 

I might be preparing for a future I don't have, but at least I know I did one thing for myself and not for another's validation. Especially yours, not that I've ever heard it. 

How could I long for something I've never had? Motherly love. 

But this is why I must work that much harder to survive the two years I have locked away. You can think I'm rotting away, and you can keep me locked up forever, but slowly, surely, I will escape, and by the time you realize it, it will be too late. 

Whether it be at my funeral or yours, I wonder which one of us will die first and how. But I choose not to think of such things because even though you've caused me so much pain, please don't put me through anymore. 

Let me have this one thing and be the one who leaves you so you can finally see what it feels like to be alone.

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Hello everyone!

I hope you all enjoyed it!

Kisses to my bitches💋😘💕

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