I Try To Drown My Demons, But They Know How To Swim

What is Real?

It's so loud to the point I can't breathe, I can't sleep or think.

 My head is pounding because the thoughts are trying to find a way out.

 Memories of my past replay like a broken record in my head, and I can't stop it. 

When I finally escape, the unknown terrors of my future await me in my dreams. 

What should I do? 

It hurts, everything hurts, I can't sleep, and when I do, I don't want to wake up. 

Oh, how it hurts my whole body, the open wounds on my thighs and hands, along with the ones in my heart that never seem to heal but get deeper. 

I can't even stand because when I do, my vision goes dark, my body goes numb, and my mind goes blank. 

The only time it goes quiet, the thoughts are distracted by the ringing in my ears and vomit rising in my throat, but never seems to come out. 

Am I sick, I ask myself? But no, because my doctor says everything is fine. 

There is no amount of blood, urine, or saliva to be tested to show the sickness of my brain. 

My body collapsed because it couldn't hold the weight of the heavy words I said to myself, but apparently, it was no illness after all. 

It's called "laziness" and "selfishness." 

Why do those words make me weaker if it's a diagnosis? 

So I try to find my cure and how I thought I did. 

It was given to me by hand with no pure intent, but it helped. 

The "S" stood for savior. 

It took away all my problems and money. 

It brought me friends who left if it wasn't present. 

It helped me bring my grades up, only to be the reason my work was never finished. 

But soon, I realized it wasn't a cure but a distraction that led me to a false reality, and when it left my system, the illness made its way back. 

Confused about what is real and fake. 

Is a world where the room moves instead of you real, or are friends who can't hold the conversation unless it's about themselves fake. 

The illness takes time to decipher this using time I don't have. 

Emotions are no longer felt, and reality is no longer real. 

"The motion of the ocean," one might say, but a wave has swallowed me up, crushing my body and mind and taking me to a future I no longer understand and a past I never understood. 

So tell me, is someone with no perception of time, a numb body and soul, a sick mind, and a broken heart even human anymore? 

Because looking in the mirror, I see a new person every time who has no understanding of life.

 Was it the illness that did this to me or the cure? 

Whatever it is, please make it stop. 

If someone doesn't, I will.

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Hello everyone!

I hope you all enjoyed it!

Kisses to my bitches💋😘💕

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