Angel With A Shotgun

9

Gabriel stayed with Sam all night. He didn't let himself believe Sam's words. He couldn't love him. Not really. If anything, he was just confused. He had to be, because why else would he say those 3 words. He knew it was impossible,  no one could love him after everything that had happened. He was dirty, used up, broken. He was completely shattered and useless.  He had finally remembered the details of what he had done, and he hated himself for it. He hated that he had done it, hated that sam had found him. Mostly though, he hated that he had survived.

He stayed holding sam until the early hours of the next morning. The hunter had not spoken again in his sleep, which Gabriel was greatful for. He wasn't sure he could take hearing sam say he loved him again. He needed to get out of there. Out of that room and out of the bunker.

When Sam finally woke up the next morning, he didn't move. He didn't want to let go of his angel yet. He had so many emotions swirling inside of him, but the one he felt the strongest was guilt. Guilt for leaving Gabriel alone when he had never don't that to him, and guilt for not noticing how bad he was doing. He knew this was all his fault. He never should have left him alone, he should have stayed with him and made sure he was okay, not just taken his word for it.

Neither man spoke, even though they both knew the other was awake. Sam kept his hold on Gabriel, and he gave no indication that he wanted Sam to stop. They sat there for a long time, both lost in their thoughts. Finally Gabriel looked down at Sam, giving him what was supposed to be a reassuring smile, but instead just looked like a grimace. Sam sat up, pulling the smaller man to his chest, hugging him tightly as he began to cry. Gabriel clutched Sam's shirt, his body shaking with sobs, he didn't mean to, but he couldn't stop himself.  He felt so safe when he was beside Sam, like he might actually be okay again, even if he knew it wasn't true. Sam gently rubbed Gabriel's back in soothing circles until the sobs died down and he stopped shaking. He tilted his face up until he could see into his eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me it was this bad?"

All Gabriel could offer was a shrug. He didn't want to explain how he had tried so hard, and he didn't think it was as bad as it had been, how he thought he was better until he heard Sam's voice telling him to do it.

"Not good enough Gabriel. Why didn't you say anything?"

He sighed, knowing he could not get out of answering. Sam had found him and saved his life, he owed him an explanation.

"I didn't know it would be like that. It was quite,  so quiet. I could hear every noise. Every time I would breathe, I jumped. Every time I heard the wind or a car outside, I was scared. My mind started playing tricks. I tried to ignore it, to distract myself.  I tried to sleep, but nothing worked. It was like....like I could see that I was here, but it felt like I was back in hell. Watching, listening, waiting for him to come back."

Sam stayed silent, knowing that if he interrupted Gabriel now, he may not start talking again, and he had to know why this happened.

"I was scared of what was happening,  I thought that I had moved past it,  that I was better, but I wasnt.....and then I thought,  what if I never was. What if it never got any better. If I had to live the rest of my life like this. Unable to be alone, scared of the silence. I couldn't do it...."

Sam ran his fingers through Gabriel hair, wishing that he could make it better, wishing he could take his pain away.

"Why didn't you tell me? I would have come back."

Gabriel let out a sad broken laugh, shaking hid head against Sam's chest.

"Why would I drag you down with me? You were finally where you wanted to be.  You're doing so much better, you were able to put yourself back together. It's not your fault that I can't."

Sams fingers stilled, he didn't know  how to respond to that. Did Gabriel really not understand why he was able to be okay now?

"Do you not realize that the only reason I am doing as good as I am is because of you? You got me out of there, and then you never left me to deal with it alone. You were here. Every time I needed you. Every time I was scared, when I wasn't sure what is real, you were right beside me. You made me okay Gabriel.  I could never have gotten through this without you."

Tears pricked his eyes as he thought about how much harder this has all been on Gabriel. He felt ashamed of himself, taking advantage of his presence and then leaving him alone to go off with Dean and Cas the first chance he got. He could have brought him with them, but the thought never even crossed his mind. After all he had done for him, he never bothered to think about what it would be like to be left all alone for a week with no one here to make sure he was okay.

"I'm sorry Gabriel.  I'm so sorry."

Gabriel sighed, knowing there was no point telling Sam it wasn't his fault. He would never believe that. Instead, he just sank into him more, trying to let the memories fall away for a moment. He didn't know how he was supposed to move past this now.

"I'm sorry I scared you."

Gabriel's voice eas barely a whisper. After a moment Sam replied.

"Do you regret doing it?"

Gabriel thought for a moment.

"I don't know."

Sam chewed on his lip, debating if he should ask his next question, but he needed to know.

"Are you going to try again?"

Gabriel was silent for a long time, probably only a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity.

"I don't know. It's not like I planned to do it even, it kind of just happened. "

"What do you mean?"

Sam found it hard to believe that all the damage he had done to himself had just happened. He wasn't sure if he really believed that this hadn't been planned out. When Gabriel didn't respond, Sam pushed, something he had never done when it came to Gabriel's time in hell. He needed to know what triggered this, if it wasn't planned out.

"Tell me. Please Gabe."

Gabriel's head moved from its position,  staring into Sam's eyes. He could clearly see all the emotions swirling in there. He didn't know how to tell him, except to just do it. So he did. He started at the beginning, right after they left the bunker for their hunt, and ended with this morning, when he could remember what he had done. He was exhausted by the end, his hands gripping Sam's shirt, as if holding onto the man was the only thing keeping him sane, which at the moment it probably was.

Sam didn't speak. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to tell him that it would be okay, and that he would never leave him alone again, but he couldn't make that promise and keep it. So instead he made a different promise to the angel. Onenthat he knew he would never break.

"I am going to do everything I can to help you. You have spent this entire time trying to make sure I was okay, now it's your turn to heal."

Gabriel stared at Sam, as if he had run out of words to speak. He nodded slightly, smiling as the hunters arms wrapped tighter around him again.

Maybe he would be okay after all.

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I know this one is a bit shorter that the others, but I've been trying to finish mapping out where the rest of this story is headed. What do you guys think so far tho?