Sleep, My Love

Chapter 20

Trigger warning: Self-Harm

"Matutulog ba ako?"

I was debating whether to sleep or stay awake. Nag aalala ako na baka mapaginipan ko na naman 'yung mga masasakit na nakaraan. I was tired so I just closed my eyes. Kailangan kong matulog, thesis defense presentation pa namin bukas.

As my consciousness drifted into a dream, I found myself back at my family home. The sun filtered through the windows, casting a warm glow on the living room where ate Shairina sat, laughing with Eugene. They were sitting close, their hands intertwined, whispering sweet nothing to each other.

Naging sila na agad at palagi nang pumupunta dito si Eugene. The sight of them made my heart ache. Nakatayo lang ako sa may pinto at pinapanood sila. I wanted to turn away, but my feet felt rooted to the spot.

My chest tightened as I saw ate Shairina's face light up when Eugene leaned in to kiss her cheek. Mukhang masaya talaga silang dalawa. Bagay na bagay sila.

"Maging masaya ka sa kapatid mo," napalingon ako sa nanay namin. Nasa tabi ko siya. "Huwag kang maging bitter. Kung hindi ka gusto, maging masaya ka na lang."

I felt a pang of hurt and confusion. Her words cut deep, adding to the heaviness in my heart. I wanted to scream, to tell her how unfair it was, how painful it was to see my sister with the man I once loved. Inuto ako. Pinaniwala ako na ako 'yung gusto. Paano ako magiging masaya para sa kanila?

Gusto kong sabihin lahat pero wala nang lumabas sa bibig ko. I just stood there, silent and still, my eyes fixed on the happy couple.

Umangat ng tingin si ate Shairina at napansin ako. Ngumisi siya sa akin at tinaasan ako ng kilay.

"Halika, kapatid ko, sali ka sa amin. Nanonood kami ng movie!" Aya niya.

Lumingon din sa gawi ko si Eugene at parang wala lang ako sa kaniya. Nawala 'yung ngiti at saya sa mukha niya nang makita ako. My mouth went dry. I forced a weak smile and shook my head, unable to move or speak.

Naramdaman ko ang kamay ni Mama sa balikat ko, mahigpit at bahagya akong napangiwi sa sakit.

"Umayos ka. Huwag kang bitter dyan, hindi ka maganda. Maging masaya ka para sa kapatid mo," pag-ulit niya.

The dream began to blur, the figures of my sister and Eugene fading into the background. My mother's voice echoed in my ears, growing distant but still resonant.

"Maging masaya ka para sa kapatid mo."

I woke up, my heart pounding and my breath shaky. Napaupo ako sa kama at tumitig sa kisame. Hindi na ako malubayan ng nightmares na ito. I pulled my hair in frustration. Gusto ko lang magpahinga kahit ilang oras lang.

My hands were trembling and unsteady, fumbled through the drawer, searching for something, anything, to ground me. May nahawakan akong matulis na bagay at nang ilabas ko, isang blade ito.

The cold metal felt alien in my palm, but also strangely comforting. I held it tightly. I don't want to do this but I have no choice.

I want to see blood.

With a deep, shuddering breath, I took the blade to my wrist. The first touch of the blade was a shock and a sharp, immediate sting that made me flinch.

I pressed the blade harder, drawing it across my skin. Blood began seeping out, it was warm and vivid on my pale skin.

I watched as the blood flowed. My tears fell freely now and my hands were still shaking. I can't believe that I will come back to the darkness I fought myself out. I can't believe I will come to the point that I will hurt myself again to lessen the pain I was feeling.