Control Me

17

Emiko 22,

I sit up and Akeno leans back, carefully analyzing my face. We sit in silence for a while, neither of us having any words to share. I'm a little embarrassed that he caught me during one of my episodes and I can't exactly read what he's thinking at that moment.

I look away, inhaling deeply as the shaking in my body slowly simmers into nothingness. My anxiety is subsiding and it finally feels like I can breathe

There's a strange tension in the air and I can't really tell what it's from.

My fingers continuously curl and uncurl at the fluffy sheets beneath me and despite the faint smell of alcohol coming off of him I can still smell his signature cologne permeating the air around me. It helps bring on a calming effect, my secret comfort.

I bought the same cologne he wears and after my accident happened I would spray my sheets with it. It was the only thing that helped me sleep but it was also a reminder of how much I relied on him.

For companionship he'd given me.

How comfortable he made me feel.

How easy it was for me to smile at him even when he'd piss me off.

"How long have you been home?" I finally ask, to break the unbearable tension. I know he had questions but I wasn't sure if I was ready to give him the answers.

"Maybe ten minutes." He responds. "I'm not going to lie, I'm still a little drunk and fell asleep on the steps."

"You couldn't make it to the bedroom?"

"I tried." He slowly smiles. "I fell down the steps and gave up. I decided to stay there until I heard you." He chuckles to himself but I laugh loudly.

"You think my pain is funny, huh?"

"Just a little." I emphasize with my pointer and thumb.

There's a sudden wave of nervousness that hits me, it makes me rub my toes together. "You should probably get some rest then."

Akeno blinks, running a hand through his hair and flashing me the assortment of piercings along the shell of his ear. "I still have to shower..." he pauses for a moment. "Are you going to be ok?"

I swallow thickly and nod my head, wishing I could get the words out to tell him how I feel. To let him know I want him to sleep with me tonight, I didn't want to be alone with all my dark thoughts.

Thunder booms and lights up the room, I tilt my head up to the skylight above my bed. It takes up a large portion of the ceiling and is one of my favorite features that came with the house. When the sky is clear and free of clouds I could see the stars. During certain times of the year, because of him and his fascination with the stars I was able to make out a handful of constellations.

I still remember the days we'd hangout on his balcony or he'd carry me to a stable part of the roof on his family's castle. He'd go on and on about facts about space like the stars, black holes and anything that had to do with the universe itself. I'd call him a dork for tease but it was my favorite thing to do... sitting there listening to him talk about the things he loved.

Rain begins to beat down heavily on the rooftop creating a cosmic melody.

"I'll be ok." I finally answer his question as another strike of lightning rips across the sky.

"Do you want me to sleep in here with you?" It's like he's reading my mind, asking the questions I don't want to voice.

"I don't appreciate you sitting on my bed with your outside clothes on." I mumble, avoiding it all. Pushing him away meant protecting my heart.