katharsis

- third rule -

Life is all about confidence.

The next experience is pretty heavy but not so deep that I will spend my words on it.

Swan entered high school, and he changed rather quickly. Not in a bad way, and I should thank the sky for not making him a bad person.

He would spend more days and nights alone. I then understood that he started smoking and he would do that in his bedroom.

In the house, it was only Livia, the mother, the father, Swan, and me. The big brother flew somewhere else, building his own life but never forgetting his family or me.

Swany, as I like to call him, never kept things from me, and to be honest, he was pretty irresponsible, making me smoke his pot for the sake of it or try alcohol that would give me headaches. Not very clever of him, but I loved him for that.

      If you remember well, I was 13 when I entered 7th grade. At that age, I learned that I was gay. Girls didn't interest me, and I was mostly checking out guys. I didn't know what being gay was, but I already knew that I like guys. Coming out to myself was pretty fast and easy then, and I never thought that I had to come out to others. Why would I have? I knew about homophobia, but being gay wasn't a big deal.

Or so I thought.

The more I heard other guys talking about girls, the more depressed I was becoming. I already was not a happy child, always down for something, barely mustering a smile or anything. Hence, that's why the father was very wary of me.

And with not being able to be as close with Swanie as before, I, too, started to stay in my bedroom alone.

I got my first personal phone at the age of 12. It was also the age I discovered the enjoyment of porn and to take care of myself. I would do that from time to time, always feeling the guilt afterwards but also feeling like a grown-up, doing grown-up things. I would often wonder if Swan did the same things or if he lost his virginity.

I think it is around 13 years old I started to question myself as to why I would always think about Swan whenever I tried something new. I was starting to be aware of the fact that he meant a lot to me.

He meant so much that when I learned I had to go back in the foster system, I flipped my shit everywhere and began a new routine of self-destruction.

Again, I do not want to lose unrequired time on this topic. Leaving this family was one of many traumatic experiences, but it is not so important that I'm going to describe how I felt.

Swan would check on me and comfort me while I cried.

Of course, I loved the parents, the big brother, and Livia, but nothing compared to how much I was saddened by the fact that I had to leave Swan behind me.

Once I was back in foster care, I figured out that I was, in fact, in love with my former foster brother.

Loving him was not about confidence. It was about accepting the fact that I was a disgusting human being.