katharsis

- thirteenth rule -

Life is all about honesty.

       I took a plane to New York.

Things were rough at the start. Speaking English 24/7 was a new experience for Swan and I. At first, we tried to speak it between each other, but we both would laugh and switch between English and French. It was fun, though.

I felt like everything was coming into place. It took us time to get used to everything, for me to get operational with the school program and everything. But it was fine because we were together and we were both excited for this new life.

Quite ironically, I started talking to Andrew a bit more now that I was away. It's as if I needed to be physically far from him.

I talked about it to Swan, told him everything I felt about Drew lately. And he was a bit concerned, coming to the same conclusion as me.

And I hated it so badly. My best best friend was starting to fade away from my life, and I hated it.

Every single day, we were talking to each other, though. He even kind of introduced me to his girlfriend, and I was starting to understand things more and more.

I was a bit abrasive with her, but I was not showing it, though, because I didn't want to upset Drew.

This guy was suffering, and she was one of the reasons.

Now, I can't say she hurt Drew because what do I know ?
The thing was that she wasn't making it any better for him. I was lost between a 'only I can make Drew grow and feel better'  and  'its not my life so I don't care'.

My feelings were bothering me, and I was fucking sick.

By the end of April, I started to talk to his girlfriend privately. It was more about my concerns for Drew because he had told me the most sickening things I've ever heard in my life.

He needed serious help, both coming from his life partners and from a professional.

     His girlfriend was lovely. What I gathered from our chats together was that she didn't care about Drew as much as me. I wasn't bothered by that. My worries about him were so high and strong, I didn't want to blame her. It has been only 1 year since they were together. It needed a little more time.

I tried to befriend her, but I knew it wouldnt last long because Drew and I were drifting apart.

I knew what was going on in Drew and I's relationship. I knew I was going to fuck up years of friendship. Years of family building.

It didn't get any better as months passed. I was still talking with her (the girlfriend), and I was still trying to help Drew, giving myself to him, throwing my self-care by the window, becoming, in fact, so selfless that I didn't even know my name anymore.

It was suffocating. Swan and I would have arguments on arguments because of everything sucking my energy. I was an asshole at that time.

Legitimately so.