katharsis

- eight rule -

Life is all about hatred.

    It was plain and uneventful for a few months. Then, around May, things started to get feisty.

I left with the foster family for a few weeks. We went in the southern part of France, enjoying the sun and the beach. I could have stayed with my boyfriend since I had already shown my disinterest to bonding with the family more than I already had.

However, I had spent the quarantine illegally with Swan and Gregory (the second constant character, to be honest). According to my calculations, I had already ignored the family I was supposed to stay with, so I couldn't just brush off the idea of having a little vacation with them.

Even if I didn't want to.

Anyway, so here is what happened.
During our little time away, I wasn't  much on my phone, sometimes going days without using it. Not because I wanted to reconnect with nature or any bullshit like that. It was mostly because I was having fun, I was enjoying our stay, reading a lot of books and such.

Then, weeks later, after being comfortable enough with them in the vacation house, the air had a different atmosphere.

That day, I woke up with a nauseating feeling.

I found the foster dad in the kitchen, looking at some paper without his glasses. I greeted him, as every morning, and he asked me to sit.

I had the feeling that my life was scripted.

He started to ask me questions about how I felt, about Swan and his family, a bit about Andrew, though I still don't know what he had to do with that.

Everything felt wrong, but I thought it was only my imagination. It could have been my fault for being emotionally distant with all the families.

And I really thought it was my fault until he dropped the bomb.

Now that I think about it, my reaction was exaggerated, I could have handled it way better. I should have.

He was beating around the bush for a while before asking me, with the sweetest voice I know him to have : "Would you mind if I adopted you ?"

  Needless to say, I replied with a strict "No," not even letting the request sink in as I didn't want to torture myself thinking about it.

Adopt me ? No fucking way. I never had a family and it had to stay that way. If anything, I had my dad, and as a last resort, my mother's family, which, to this day, I still never met.

     He started to ask me why I don't even consider the idea, why I was so closed off.

I didn't want to reply, so I left this useless argument to go back to my room and tell all this to my boyfriend.

I wouldn't be able to describe how I felt when I saw my phone was broken into pieces. I was mad, and I remember screaming til my throat hurt, crying angry tears and fuck.

Even reminiscing everything is making me gag.

Fortunately, he didn't think of breaking my remaining stuff such as my pc or tablet. I couldn't contact Swan through social media right away since he vowed to never use those, except Snapchat, where we would all usually talk in group chats.

No. My first choice I had to calm the fuck down was to ask Andrew for help.

And I hated myself for doing so. I left the guy for months, not even greeting him once just to spend days on days fucking with my boyfriend. I prettily came back just to ask him to take care of me because I was a baby, unable to do things alone.

What broke me the most was the fact that he was so caring and soft and uncharacteristically so kind to me.

I needed that, and I used him.

But I needed that.