katharsis

- twelfth rule -

Life is about everything.

2021 was easy to go through.

The only thing bothering me was, fundamentally, Andrew. I don't mean it in a bad way, at all. Andrew, as a person, is the most amazing thing that ever happened to my life.

And yes, I love Swan, but what Drew made me feel was way beyond love, way beyond human's understanding.

How I felt wasn't enough.

He was my safest place from the beginning. I'd never felt more at ease, not even by myself was I ever this carefree.

But things started to look weird for him. In February 2021, he engaged himself in a new relationship.

I was not, in any way, supportive of that. He wasn't ready. He shouldn't have started taking care of someone else while still being in the delusion of "everything is fine." I was so mad at him for that.

He didn't want to listen to me, to my warnings.

Sure, I started to question my own point of view when he started talking about his girlfriend. Hell, he talked about her every time, and I thought, 'Maybe he does love someone, maybe he will heal with her'. And I was wrong to think that because he destroyed himself in this relationship.

He only had me. If he wasn't happy, I had to be there for him, and if I had to be there, I wouldnt have been able to fucking leave for New York.

See where I am going with that ?

I hated myself when I came to the realisation that Drew was holding me back. But I stayed there for him. I gave my time to him.

Then I told him. By the end of the year, I told him I was about to leave for New York and possibly not come back. I was already on the move. I was about to leave in a few more months.

He took it... rather well. That's what he tried to convince me with, at least. And I left it at that because I didn't want to deal with this.

I am sorry, Drew, for doing that.

So, I told him, now what ? What happened after ?

Swan and I were a bit relieved. We didn't have to hide anything. We told him everything we did so far, and other things.

I am ashamed to say that, but I took it as an opportunity to just live my life and distance myself from Drew.

I was starting to understand everything, but I didn't want to believe it. Even today, I still have a hard time believing it. It feels like I will forever mourn my love for him.