katharsis

- fourteenth rule -

Life is all about building things.

     North was extremely sick by the beginning of July. In fact, he was at a terminal phase.

I felt as if everything that was stable in 2021 was starting to crumble before my own eyes.

Things weren't getting better on Andrew's side. He would often threaten to kill himself. Not in a toxic way, more in a 'Help me find help, I'm tired' way.

July was fast. I didn't talk to them much. North was away with his boyfriend, and Drew was focused on his girlfriend because she was visiting him.

In all that, I was left broken out of all this mess. I felt as if everyone threw everything on me, and when they found their happiness, they turned their back at me. Leaving me in pieces, trying to find a fucking helping hand that wouldn't hurt me.

Everything was so painful. I remember Swan giving me cold shoulders and the silent treatment. And when he saw me laying on our bed, crying til I had no tears, drinking my pain away and just suffering on my own.

He comforted me and told me I needed to do something for me. Something for me.

All my life, I was egoist. I ignored the people who wanted to get close to me because I had a terrible fear of abandonment, I pushed away the ones who wanted to be my friends, I tried to befriend the ones who wanted to be left alone. All my life, I thought I was the problem and that I had to change, I thought I had to be more selfless and help them.

But that's not the case. I shouldn't have given my heart to the people who didn't want to give their.

And Drew was one of these people. He helped me go through everything, and  I'm still calling him my hero today. I would have given him everything, but my feelings weren't reciprocated.

It wasn't entirely his fault, but I wasn't able to stand it.

So, at the beginning of August, I told him I didn't want to be friends anymore.