Recipe for Love

Chapter 44

Charles

I remember the horrible feeling of absolute despair and helplessness as I kept pressing the brake pedal, over and over again. But nothing happened at all. The car didn't slow down even a bit and suddenly I felt the impact. I crashed straight into the barrier at the Sainte Devote corner. The brakes were overheating from about 40 laps on, and I was doing everything I could to not overheat them even more, I was driving extremely carefully to be sure, but 12 laps later they failed completely and that's how I got here.

I was sitting in the car, breathing deeply with black spots in front of my eyes. I didn't know if it was the shock or the anger I felt. I don't know how long I stayed frozen in place, but I was woken up by the track marshal, who frantically gestured at me and repeatedly made sure I was okay. I gave him a thumbs up, unbuckled my seat belts, removed the steering wheel, and climbed out of the cockpit. My ears were ringing, my head was spinning, and I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, which weren't getting nearly as much oxygen as they needed. I tried to hold back the tears of anger and disappointment that welled up in my eyes. The marshals led me to the passage between the barriers and set about cleaning up the mess that was left behind.

The only thing left after me in today's race was that mess and a red flag that lasted for an endless 15 minutes. I sat hidden in the ready ambulance and automatically answered all the questions they asked me. "All tests are fine. You can go," they told me, I just nodded silently, stood up and left the ambulance. I was wondering where to go. I hated the idea of going back to the garage, where I would be the center of attention. I hated having to endure all the reproachful looks, or worse, regretful looks for not winning a Grand Prix in which I had led the entire 51 laps. But my family, friends and Anna were waiting for me there, I knew I had to go back.

Just as I expected, as soon as I walked in, all faces turned to me. I lowered my head and headed straight for Anna and Joris, because I knew that they were the two who could best imagine what was going through my head and how I was feeling right now. Both of them hugged me without a single word and didn't let go of me for many long seconds. "We're here," whispered Anna quietly, and when the three of us finally pulled away from each other, she grabbed my hand and didn't let go until it was time to go answer all the stupid questions from the journalists.

"You think your curse is back?" "Could it have been prevented? You did know that the brakes were overheated." "Do you have a new girlfriend?" Seriously? Like really seriously? Couldn't they think of anything more stupid? Even a person with minimal empathy would probably read from my expression that I don't want to answer any questions, and certainly not questions about my privacy. I rattled off all the answers as briefly as possible and couldn't wait for the moment I arrive at the apartment, lock the door behind me and be alone with only my thoughts.

"I'd like to be alone, Anna," I grumbled as she sat down on the couch right next to me. "Pretend I'm not here," she shrugged and moved a millimeter away. But she was still touching me with her arm and her body heat was driving me crazy. But not in a good way this time. I sighed and felt her gaze on me. I bit down on the hangnails from the day before, but Anna gently took my hand in hers and intertwined our fingers. She placed a light kiss on the back of my hand, and I finally looked into her eyes. But I did not see in them anything of what I expected. No disappointments or regrets. Just care and pure tenderness. "Charlie..." she sputtered, but I shook my head. "I don't want to talk about it," I said, completely contradicting the fact that I originally wanted her to leave me alone, I leaned into her and hugged her like she was the only fixed point in the universe. As if Anna was the only thing that could stop me from doing something else that would only make this day worse.

And it worked. I could almost physically feel all the negative emotions leaving my body. All the anxiety, despair, and anger melted like ice cream in the sun. "Anna?" I said quietly after a few minutes, lifting my head to look into her face.
Charles?" she smiled.
"I love you," I finally admitted.