NOT A PHASE - (TNN - SORSCHA)

CHAPTER ONE - HER

"I can't fight these feelings
When she's around
Can't you see that, see that
You're hurting me
I just have to say, it's not a phase
It's not a phase
I really feel this way"

It's not a phase - Mariah Counts

From the moment she felt any kind of attraction at all, Sorscha had always fancied girls. The idea of dating a boy had never even crossed her mind and she'd never liked one like that. She had several male friends and she loved them dearly, but the idea of kissing them seemed completely alien to her.

When Sorscha's school had decided to re-arrange their classes for the new school year, Sorscha really didn't care. Generally, Sorscha found it easy to speak to others so making friends had never been an issue for her. When she'd walked into her new English Literature class that September, there had been no way for her to know. Sometimes she wished that the gods had rolled a different dice and she'd been placed into the other class.

If she'd been placed into the other class, her heart would still be intact. She'd still have hope for the future.

Every time she made that wish, she knew she didn't mean it. Because if her wish could come true, it would mean that she'd never have met her. Meeting Clodagh had been the best moment of her life. As soon as their eyes had met their hearts had connected and the invisible string between them was tied. Sorscha didn't feel scared as she approached the beautiful girl who'd captured her heart, she felt safe. "Do you mind if I sit here?" She asked, causing the girl to smile at her. The moment Sorscha saw her smile, she suddenly knew for sure that life was worth living. Recently she hadn't felt so convinced as the weight of the world pressed down on her teenage shoulders. "Of course. I'm Clodagh." The perfect name for a beautiful girl. "I'm Sorscha" she replied slightly breathlessly.

Once the class had settled and everyone had taken their seats, the teacher began by handing out their brand new workbooks. Sorscha watched as Clodagh doodled her name, before immediately drawing a beautiful sunflower sketch. Sorscha imagined bringing Clodagh sunflowers, tied with a ribbon and nurtured with love.

For the next hour as the teacher talked, Sorscha dreamed of the life she could live. Working with children as she'd always wanted and raising the next generation. Coming home from work every day to a woman who loved her, fresh flowers on the dining table and bread baking in the oven. One day, maybe she could be a Mammy to a precious baby she could shower with love.

Sorscha had no idea how her life was about to change. Her heart was good, so she didn't understand hearts that weren't.

There would be no fresh flowers and no bread being baked.

The beautiful home she saw in her dreams could never exist.

Maybe in another lifetime, perhaps in another universe. Not in this one.

The secret Sorscha had kept to herself for so long was about to be revealed. Her dreams were about to die as those around her turned away in disgust, whispering behind her back. Their judgemental eyes were about to burn through to her soul and scar her heart.

This would be the last day that Sorscha felt happy or safe.