NOT A PHASE - (TNN - SORSCHA)

CHAPTER THREE - STILL THE SAME

"I don't know what you mean. I don't need to tell you anything." Sorschas mouth was completely dry and as she choked on her words she looked down at the ground. She was surprised when she felt her Mam grab her hand lightly. "Sit down love. Annie's Mam called me this morning. We know what you told Annie yesterday." Sorscha did as she was told and sat down at the table. When she looked up and into her Father's eyes all she saw was concern.

"We love you no matter what you know love. Is this how you really feel, you like girls?" His voice was more gentle than she'd ever heard it, which encouraged her to answer honestly. "Yes. I've always felt this way." At that moment her Mam interjected "well like your Dad said, we love you and we accept you. Maybe you won't always feel like this, you never know." Sorscha turned to face her Mam and smiled, she knew that her words held no malicious intent. "Thanks Mammy" even as she said this, all she could think was how convinced she was that her feelings would never change.

Sorschas parents had never been particularly religious, although they'd had their children christened. Sorscha was the youngest of three and the only child still living at home, since her two older brothers had flown the nest. She missed playing football with them in the garden, arguing over penalties and she often wished that they visited more. Sorscha was jolted from her thoughts by her Dads voice "I think it would be sensible to tell Nanny Joan about this, before she hears it from somebody else. I'll pop down now and speak to her."

Nanny Joan was Sorschas only living grandparent and she'd always doted on her, in fact they'd been best friends since Sorscha was born. "I'll go down on my bike now, I don't mind. I'd like to tell her, I know she'll have some words of wisdom for me!" When her Dad laughed in response it made Sorscha smile for the first time that day. He replied "you're not wrong. Alright, if thats what you want love."

Heading outside and grabbing her bike from the shed, Sorscha felt glad that the rain had stopped. As she rode down the hill and towards her Nanny's house, feeling the wind in her hair lifted her spirits somewhat. Perhaps the support of her family was all she really needed, she was fifteen now and school would be over before she knew it. As she arrived outside her Nanny's house, she thought briefly of Clodagh and wondered if the most beautiful girl she'd ever seen could ever fall in love with her. Only time would tell.

Letting herself in through the perpetually unlocked front door she yelled out "Nanny, are you in?" Immediately she heard her Nanny's booming voice "I'm in the kitchen love." Sorscha was constantly popping by so her presence wasn't unexpected and when she walked into the kitchen, she saw Nanny Joan pouring a juice out for her already. Turning round and handing the glass to Sorscha, she beamed at her granddaughter and as she always did she asked "what's the news, who've you seen, what do you know?" It was her catchphrase and it never failed to make Sorscha giggle. "Nanny, I need to tell you something, sit down."

Once they were settled and sat at the kitchen table, Sorscha placed her hands over her Nanny's and smiled. She didn't have a speech prepared and she knew the best thing to do was to just rip the plaster off without overthinking. "I like girls. I don't like boys the way I'm..." she hesitated, unsure of how to say it. After several seconds she continued "supposed to, I guess. I've always felt this way and I want to share this with you. I want you to know who I am."

Her Nanny didn't reply immediately, instead she looked away and frowned. When she looked back at Sorscha and into her eyes, the young teenager realised that she'd just made the biggest mistake of her life. When her Nanny did finally speak there was no warmth or love in her voice. "Some things should remain hidden, Sorscha. How dare you tell me this, do you know how shameful what you're saying really is?" Sorscha stared at her stunned before stuttering "I'm still the same person I've always been, this is just how I feel. Are you saying I should have kept this locked inside forever and spent my life lying?" Her Nanny's eyes narrowed as she stood up and snapped "you can do whatever you want, but I don't have to accept your sinful behaviour." She inhaled deeply before adding "leave this house Sorscha. I don't ever want to see you again." With that she left the room abruptly, leaving Sorcha sitting in silence. As she listened to the ticking of the clock, the weight of what she'd just lost hit her like a truck.

Sorscha walked home, pushing her bike alongside her as she tried to calm her racing heart. She wondered why she hadn't tried to argue when her Nanny had told her to leave, but she knew it wouldn't have done any good.

How could the person who'd loved her the most, suddenly not love her at all?