Paraphernalia {Perrentes}

Not Meant For This World

Mike

I stared at the small piece of metal in my hand. Was it worth it to make more lines down my arms or legs? Was it worth it to make 10 or more cuts to feel something? Yes. It was worth it, because the feelings I have right now, are killing me slowly. Being bullied at school was enough as it is, but coming home to a broken family was the icing on the cake. I know people have it worse than I do, but knowing that your father thinks your the reason your mom is dead, kind of hurts. My mom died after she gave birth to me, and that hurt my father bad. It hurt Vic pretty bad to, but he handled it a different way. I see the scars that run along his wrists. It just made me think that maybe that was the only answer for the both of us.

When I started school, I was know as the freak. The emo kid with all the tattoos. Nobody wanted to hang out with me so I was forced to hang out by myself. Which only caused more controversy. The bullying started around then. It was only minor words, such as fag or emo. The physical abuse came Junior year. It hurt in the beginning, but I guess all physical abuse does. That is also when I began the self harm process. It made it easier to forget the hard times I had at school hours before. 

I made the mistake one day of mot wearing a jacket or bracelets to cover the faded red scratches, and Vic saw them. He told me that I needed to stop, because it wasn't healthy. I agreed, we made a promise that we would both stop. But it was so hard. The first time I did it, it was like a sick twisted addiction. But only an addiction that I loved. As the bullying got worse, the cutting became more frequent. It only made me love the metal more. The numbness that I got sent me on a high. It made me feel wanted.

Now I am back. Reality hit as I slid the small metal across my critical veins. I smiled at the faint pain that I felt. I looked down to see the artwork that I've created. But my face only fell. Instead of small blood droplet, I saw a small blood flow. I had cut to deep on a vein that I need the most. A wave of panic came over me as I tried to find a way to stop it. I guess me rushing around didn't help, because the blood began to come out faster. I felt dizzy, and tried to sit down. But instead I found myself falling to the floor. My head hit the ground pretty hard.

I winced in pain. This was it. I was going to die. That isn't a bad thing though, I get to see my mom for the first time. I can be happy, for the first time in a long time. I heard the faint sound of my older brothers voice as he screamed my name. The last thing I remember before blacking out was him saying he loved me. My heart broke, simply because he would be left with the monster I used to call dad.   

~~~

"What do you mean? He is your son to and he is sick. He needs to get better before he tries to do this again." I slowly opened my eyes and looked to where the commotion was coming from. Vic and my dad were standing  at the door, talking about me I assume. "For all I care, he can rot in hell. He is the reason your mother is dead." And with that, he walked out the door, leaving tears in my eyes and Vic standing shocked at his statement. "Why does he hate me so much?" He spoke out. Vic turned around and gave me a faint smile.

"He just doesn't know how to handle the pain. Kind of like you." He sadly told me as he looked at my bandaged wrists. A wave of guilt came across me. "I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted to do this to myself." I replied. "Mike, I love you. I am your older brother I am supposed to protect you." He paused and bit his bottom lip. "That is why I've made the decision to send you to Richfield." I gave him a confused look. "It is a hospital for troubled teens. Mike you're sick. I cant give you the help you need." He explained. I nodded as tears fell down my face.

~~~

That was the last conversation I had with my brother. It's been a little over two months and he hasn't come to see me yet. I stared out the window everyday, hoping that he would someday show up. But he never did. "Mike, come on. We have a newbie." My friend Austin told me. I reluctantly moved away from the window and sat down at the table next to Austin's boyfriend Alan. "So, what is she like?" I asked, crossing one leg over the other. "Actually, it's a boy this time." Alan told me.

I gave the both of them a confused look. "What? No it was a boy last time. A girl is supposed to come." I explained. I hated when things were out of order, and this was not right. I sighed and tried to regain my mental stability. "Well, his name Is Tony Perry. Um, he is 16 and in here because he is suicidal and severe depression." Austin said. I let out a small smile. Kind of like me.  Moments later the doors opened, revealing a shy short boy.

He was covered in tattoos from what I could see. He had short hair, the color unknown because of the hat. Nurse Gunn, was showing him around. I couldn't make out his emotional stare, because his head was down. "Earth to Mike." I was taken out of my thoughts with the snapping fingers of Alan and the yelling of Austin. "What?" I asked, not taking my eyes off the new kid. "You like him don't you?" Alan said.

I shook my head. "No, your crazy. I'm just intrigued." I told him with a small smile. Moments later, Alex came running into the cafeteria. "Did you see the newbie?" He asked trying to catch his breath. The three of us nodded. "Yep, Mike called dibs already." Austin told him with a tiny smirk forming on his face. I gave out a small sigh and thought about why he was in here.

What happened that he had to end up in a place so horrible like this? I quickly snapped out of my thoughts when Alex suggested that we should play go fish. This continued for about 20 minuets, then lunch was announced. We all made our way to our designated tables. Austin and I to the suicide watch tables. Alan and Alex to the anorexic tables. Alex told me that they have to eat at least one thing on their plate to be dismissed. It kind of sucked knowing they had to be forced to eat, but the again it is what they needed.

I looked at all the tables there were, only to be disappointed to see that the new kid was nowhere to be found. I sighed and took a bit out of my ham sandwich. I am going t figure out why he is here. What his background was, simply because someone so beautiful like him shouldn't be in a horrific place like Richfield.