(emetophobia tw)
Speak to him and a curdling acid enters my mouth
Pushed it down for need of validity, am I valid?
Though I believed you were fixing, you were chiselling at the walls from within
Though I believed you were fixable, you were not my responsibility to fix
How could I be so blind
I am not an emotional handyman.
I am not an infantile feminine fantasy.
Be a 'good girl' I thought, but not too good
Be a bad girl, but not as bad as the 'nasty girls'
My throat burns with worries of underlying pedophelia
Is my sexuality still valid if you are using it so morbidly?
Do you have daddy issues?
Do you want to sew your seeds? Be father of thousands?
'You're mine' - not even a question -
What gives you the right.
I was not flirting
That was not an invitation
I am not your mother dearest
No matter the extent to your unconscious obsession with incest
Go to the gym, body build, have an 'ego'
Eat your meat, get your protein
Doesn't matter to me what kind.
Chicken breasts or if you're as keen, Mark over there's sausage
Salt, fat, acid.
Welcome gagging.
An ego routed in insanity,
Total denial of reality.
Why announce yourself with 'I have a bit of an ego'
Monstrously embarrassing
Admit you are insecure
Let the scared molecules run up your oesophagus
Past the tonsils, look! A tongue.
Why need me if they weren't?
The molecules are detached from your being, don't worry about another identity crisis
You're not hot, experienced, muscular.
You're not a slick talker, big man, my king
I am not sexually indebted to you
Nor your mother?
I am one of those nasty girls.
Lord help me
'Hot grandma', 'robotic'
The Lord created me this way
The acid rising and rising like the tide
So very insecure, so very self obsessed, so very racist?
Lecturing on reverse racism- 'no they were not being racist to you because you're white'
your grandfathers colonised, brutalised, kidnapped, killed their grandfathers.
Your denial of their history, your history
Allow the vomit to come,
Tell him what he wants to hear and run
'Yes I really liked you'
'It just wouldn't work'
How very out of touch,
The teenaged boy.
