A Manuscript From Midnight

Passage: Wishing on Stars

When I was little I loved wishing on shooting stars. I hoped to live up to my parents expectations. The world's expectations. But then again, what does a 7 year old kid know about the world?

I always thought I was a smart girl. That's what they always told me. I was "mature for my age" in a world where being quiet and nice was the only way you would get praise from the adults that you longed to appease. I read often as a child, growing my limited vocabulary with words too complicated for my naive tongue to pronounce out loud. Those words, it seemed, helped accelerate my understanding of the world.

Even now, I've come to the conclusion that the phrase "ignorance is bliss" is something I wish I could quote. My dilemma was this: as I learned more of the great accomplishments of humanity, I also learnt the horrible tales of humanity's folly. I long to experience the peace that ignorance could bring about. 

I feel like I knew too much back then and not nearly enough now.

I've learnt so many cautionary tales that I over analyse every sentence I say in every interaction I experience. 

I miss the innocence of a childhood I should have kept guarded. If I'd gone outside would I have been happier? I'm not sure. Sometimes I think that the wisest people are the ones who have been through hell. I'd rather be wise than happy.

I wish I could watch a sunset without thinking of the tale of a boy who fell: plummeting to the ground with melted wax and scorched feathers as a consequence of his hubris. Knowledge is my sun. It fascinates me, but I hope I haven't flown too close to it.

Keep your wits. Reign in your hubris. Your flaws can define you. I tell myself this every day. I probably shouldn't but it's easier to hold my fears in my head rather than face the consequences of my inadequacies and fatal decisions.

To be honest, I'm not sure where I'm going. Or what I'm doing. At the end of the day, I'm just a girl, trying to be a poet, but fumbling through all the words in my brain to string together a messy sentence. I try to imagine a world of wonder and joy while I sit in an uncomfortable chair staring at a page of useless words, my pen's blue ink smudged across the paper as a result of my mad scribbles. What's more maddening still is when all my mind produces is a fleeting idea, amazing in the moment, but gone as soon as my pen hits the paper.

I don't feel very smart now. It seems like I've reached the thin line between madness and genius, although my mind seems to be betraying my heart more often than not. It's easier to mourn a relationship that never saw the light of day than mourn the end of a friendship. It's funny now to me how true that is.

I've never really been in love. I'm not even sure if I've ever been the object of someone's affection. If I ever was, I don't think I'd know how to respond. I feel as though I know so much but love just baffles me. There really was only one time I might have been in love. She was a star. Her smile, I remember her smile. It was something as simple and beautiful as a sunrise, just lighting up the whole world. She gave me this feeling of a warm breeze and the faint smell of wildflowers in the air whenever I was around her. Ultimately though, the breeze passed, and the flowers died. I couldn't let my feelings last. I had to kill the moment. I never told her about my feelings. I knew she wouldn't repay them. I still haven't told her. Sometimes I let the flowers grow back just to feel something. It hurts but I make myself prune them away. At least small snips hurt less than the sting of a complete rejection. I shouldn't have loved her. I can't let myself feel the pain love brings again. It hurts too much. That's my flaw. I'm a coward. I'll admit that. I'm not brave enough to love someone fully. I wish I was. I've wished on stars before but they've never answered.

So, this year, on New Year's Eve at midnight, I'll be keeping my lips to myself. 

Keep my New Year jubilations quiet and polite. 

Because that's what smart girls do. They keep their hearts closed and their minds guarded. 

It's what I have to do. I'm more than the smart girl but the world isn't ready to know that. I'm not ready for them to know that. If i'm not the smart girl then who am I? I wish I knew. 

I know better now than to place all my hope on wishing.

-❀Oleander✿