This Is Why I Love The Color Red

Trez

[Listen to MATILDA by Harry Styles]

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Well, I thought it was the end of the world. To love is to be hurt, per say. I always had this habit of loving someone else more than I love myself up to the point that I didn't allow other people to love me. It's a sick mindset but who am I? I was just 12 years old back then, trying to find prince charming at early age thinking that maybe I'll be able to start a life with him by then. I grew up thinking that maybe I would start a life with him at an early age.

"Hey, do you want my food?"

I vividly remember how this guy started having a crush on me since 1st grade. He consistently told everyone around us that he liked me. Well, I looked at him like a little friend of mine, and I'd be lying if I said I never had a crush on him, but I just don't see him as boyfriend material.

"Yossef, can you stop following me around?"

"Well, I like you."

"You'll probably get over me."

"How? I mean... I've had a crush on you since 4th grade... I tried to court you in 2nd and 3rd grade, but you never seemed to reciprocate my feelings. In 5th grade, you had Josel... and now I'm trying my chance before graduation. Just let me, Eli... will you?"

"Uh..."

"We even have the same birth month. Your birthday is 3 days away from mine. Isn't that a soulmate thing?"

"You know, you're quite annoying."

"I'll annoy you forever and ever. I won't get tired of asking to court you until you say yes. Besides, I know you have feelings for me... you're just scared that I'll turn my back on you... which I won't."

Yossef is literally the guy who is willing to love me inside and out. We've been friends since childhood. We ride bikes together. Play badminton. He follows me around. Yossef is that guy who will make your childhood best friend trope kind of love come true in your life.

I know in myself that he would be a good boyfriend and that we could work out, but something is missing. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too stubborn? Stupid? Not knowing what is right and wrong in love despite having an academic excellence award?

"I mean, what's not to like? His runny nose. Fashion. Goofiness. Yossef is handsome but still needs A LOT of work. Well, I like the way he smells. Axe chocolate or gold?"

"Okay, I'll let you court me. After graduation."

High school came. I was flabbergasted by the number of familiar faces in my environment. We were freshmen in this high school, and it felt new yet nostalgic to me. Probably because I was entering a new era of my life with the same group of classmates and friends.

"So... can I court you now?" I read Yossef's message on my Facebook. I stopped using my phone and started to iron my clothes. Days passed, and my 7th grade experience was unbelievable. There was nothing to worry about except for the number of boys I'd dated. I mean... it was only two older guys, but it's scary to think about.

An 8th grader courted me. He wrote me a long message on colored paper along with a bundle of chocolates. He was cute. Not my type. He was too small. Maybe I was just taller, but I don't like boys who literally look like my younger brother when they're with me. Plus, I found out he also liked my older sister.

I also had a 10th grader pursue me. He was nice. We had a thing for about half a month. He always made sure to buy me my cravings, like a chocolate drink I loved from the school canteen. Jem always made sure I got home safely and kissed my forehead every time we parted ways. We broke up because my mother found out about him. My mother saw Jem as a pedophile. Can't blame her, I was only in 7th grade. Well, it didn't go well because I found out he was friends with Yossef. It was awkward as hell.

In 8th grade, I had this hardworking suitor, a classmate of mine in the same circle of friends, Wence. He courted me for about a year alongside Yossef. He'd buy me food from the canteen that I loved, like pork steak. He was also the first guy to buy me napkins when I had a period emergency. We clicked, or maybe I just saw him as a nice guy I could trust with my heart? We did school chores together, and he played the guitar, and everyone jammed around. I chose him over Yossef. I know they're both good guys, but for now, Wence seemed like the right choice.

Their rivalry was so awkward and funny. One time Yossef was behind me during break time and Wence just came back from the canteen and brought me food. I was worried because Yossef was brushing my hair, and Wence was staring at us. There was also an incident where Yossef paid for the marriage booth, but I didn't want to marry him on our foundation day because he was wearing P.E pants and black shoes. I mean, it looked weird and didn't go with each other, so who am I to blame? Or... am I just naturally mean and picky towards men? Can't blame me.

Wence and I grew fond of each other. Everyone was very supportive of us, even teachers and his parents. Until my writing contest came and things went blurry. I won 1st place at the district level but only 4th at the division level. I was left wondering what went wrong, and then I woke up one day and realized we didn't look at each other the same way anymore. That's when Kace came into the picture. It was awkward because Kace would intentionally walk past our room and ask me to walk home with him with his guitar. He and Wence always stared at each other as if they were going to kill each other at any moment.

Kace and I had a nice start. Although we were never officially together, the courtship he showed me taught me that I could be pursued in a nice way. He was there to watch every performance I had in school. He also made sure to send me home and walk to school with me every day. We'd go places once a month, and he'd buy me the food I'd been craving. We didn't last. You want to know why? He was very manipulative and sad whenever I sought my own space, because we were always attached to each other to the point that I noticed we weren't growing together. Yossef came back into the picture for the last time and had a rivalry with Kace, but I ended up making the worst choice.

That's how I discovered relationships online. I had a foreign boyfriend from another country. His name was Rue, and honestly, I kept him out of the public view. I remember he asked my friends to buy me flowers because he couldn't be there physically, but hey, the saying 'If he wanted to, he would' came true. We lasted only a year because of the age gap. He was too far ahead of me. I was just a 10th grader.

Not until I turned 18 did the real heartbreak happen.