Little Tiger

Working Woman

I had gone back home the following afternoon, meeting my demise at the estate. It was utterly silent inside save for the stress ball being repeatedly thrown at the wall in Hatori's office. I snuck past him, not wanting to be distracted from my mission to go to the safety of my own room and avoid Akito. I had thought being back at the estate would share the same feeling of walking on hot coals in bare feet, but I stood corrected. The black entity that I had imagined was consuming the estate while I was gone, breathing out toxic fumes and dread, was not there at all. In fact, there were bright puddles of sunlight showing on the wood floor in the hallway on the left side, looking out into the courtyard, which made it feel like the word "home," if that makes sense. It was comfortable, nostalgic, warm, and, now that I really looked around, richly constructed and old-fashioned, like walking into an antique store. Now that I considered myself somewhat of a writer and had four years worth of reading (book, after book, after book, after book, and so on), I realized that I preferred the look of antiques over modern things. Perhaps it was my maturity as well that played a role, but I'd rather blame it on my education--that took work whereas my average rate of mental growth did not. 

That is not to say I enjoyed being back at the estate again. My room was still accompanied by the dusty, mildew stench from the years I had been away, the maids were just as snotty and judgmental as always (especially towards me because, somehow, Akito had managed to turn the entire staff against me, claiming I had chosen to go to Tohoku, not her), Akito's food preferences were as picky and childish as before, and, the biggest struggle of all, I felt like I was still the same sixteen year old girl that inhabited this place all those years ago, when Akito had requested the older Zodiacs to live in the main house. It felt like I was in limbo, waiting for my life to begin after it already had. There was nothing new to experience in these walls, aside from another one-sided brawl by Akito, helping Hatori in his office, rearranging my room (though the rules were very strict, giving no real opportunity to rearrange the furniture), and visiting Shigure and Yuki. I had called my room in the main house "home" for six years. There wasn't much more growing I could do with the limited space I had been given. 

But all of this confinement did allow me to do some reflecting. I thought about my mother and father a lot--I even considered finding my father, but that seemed like more effort than it was worth, it's not like he would have recognized me. In fact, the only expression I remembered clearly of my father was his empty, indifferent, alcohol-induced stare that looked right through me or not at me at all. That memory was enough to throw away the idea of ever forming a relationship with him. He was so lost after my mother died and, in some way, he blamed me for it all, like I had something to do with it. 

My mother, though, sparkled like diamonds in my memory. I know she wasn't the angel I remember her as, but I see that big, flashy smile every time I think of her. She had been praying that I'd be the rat Zodiac, wanting the best of the worst for me, and she had been pleading with the Gods that I wouldn't be the cat. She had gotten one of her wishes granted in the end. It's unfortunate to me that even now, I can't be grateful for the animal I had been given, I was only afraid of it. No, I was not the rat, but I wasn't the cat either. I wasn't the ox that led the rat to the banquet either, or the "dragon" that was actually a seahorse, or the rooster which had more burdens to bear than any of us. I was only the tiger: forgettable, run of the mill, just a regular Zodiac. My canvas was blank aside from the fact that the tiger had been to the banquet, but there wasn't anything detrimental in the old tale that led me to a predestined downfall. I still couldn't be happy, though. My mother was happy to find that I was the tiger. She thought I was an adorable cub and she claimed that she liked me better as an animal than a human baby. Dismally, I predicted that if my mother lived, I would have grown to love the tiger just as she did, not fear it. It was like she was the key to my liberation and now that she was dead, I had no more hope.