Little Tiger

Denied

I felt that all the secrets in my life had been revealed now. My secrets, my friends' secrets. I had done it all, said it all, and heard it all. I knew that Shigure liked me and he knew that I liked him, and now our friends knew that we liked each other; I had told Callie about the Sohma curse (the result of that is irrelevant); we had uncovered the reason for Hatori's excessive studying, and furthermore, Akari had revealed his condition which allowed both of their secrets to meet in the middle (again, the result of that is irrelevant). Finally, Ayame had told me he was gay which also revealed that Francis was gay and that they were in a relationship. 

I remembered the "puberty talk" from grade school. It was uncomfortable, but eye-opening. I had felt that I knew all of the world's secrets because I had been so clueless about the matter beforehand. All of those sexual innuendos in the movies and in my own life that I couldn't understand were all revealed that day in class. After school that day, when I was walking home, I saw a couple pass me on the street. I can remember thinking with a wry grin, They have sex. Even though I still wasn't entirely clear on how sex really worked, it was liberating to be let in on this "little secret" that the rest of the world knew about. That's how I felt about knowing and exchanging all of the secrets that had fostered over the last couple years. I suppose both ideas aren't exactly comparable, but so be it. The puberty talk and the Sohma family's secrets went hand-in-hand in my mind. 

It was interesting to see all three of my friends (and Francis) and know exactly what they knew. No secrets, nothing left unsaid. Everything was perfect, and I truly felt like we were friends. The year flew by and I didn't even realize it until it was winter break and I'd be graduating in a few short months. I don't remember much of my life leading up to graduation, it's blurry and foreign to me now, what that sort of happiness consisted of. I was smitten in my relationship, content with my friendships, life was technicolor, or so it appears that way to me now. 

I let Shigure in on my life more after he had badgered me about it for so long. He always knew where I was and I always knew where he was. It was a comfort I didn't know I needed, though I didn't reveal that to him. Instead, I left him each Friday morning with a few mumbled words of my future location ("Going to the library. Returning some books," or, "Going to school, then the Estate,") and a robotic motion that allowed me to turn around to face him and kiss him goodbye. If Shigure had a problem with this, he didn't show it. And, trust me, he would have.  

Hatori and I were not bickering so much either, and it was due to my newfound vigor in school. I had discovered my motivation; tucked deep inside of a dark and dusty closet--possibly the top shelf of my wardrobe with the tiger emblem in my bedroom. But it was just a metaphorical closet, of course. My motivation was that I wanted to go to school with Shigure. On the mornings when I didn't want to get out of bed, I pictured Shigure walking me to class, the same one he had taken when he was a freshman. And when I didn't want to study at night, I saw Shigure stumbling into my dorm room, half-drunk, with a bottle of wine under his shirt, revealing it to me and taking the cork out with his teeth. And when I saw my grades flourishing right before my eyes, I imagined waking up to Shigure every morning, sometimes his room, sometimes mine. I suppose I still had one secret left to share because I had not told anyone my vision for the future yet. I was afraid I'd jinx it by sharing so I choked down the urge every time I saw Shigure on Thursdays and bit my tongue when Ayame begged me to come to their school come April. But I didn't know what I was waiting for because my third year would soon draw to an end and I was bouncing off the walls with excitement about my new plans. It started to get so late that I thought I'd just show up on move-in day with all of my bags packed to surprise them. But, deep down in the chest of things that I vowed to never admit to, I was afraid that Akito wouldn't accept my plans. That is why I was "waiting for my application results" before I revealed anything.