Little Tiger

Laugh to keep from crying

Akari Sohma passed away three months after he shared the news with Hatori and I. It seemed that his condition worsened immediately after we had been informed. I felt this happened because he didn't knock on wood right after saying, "I'm going to die soon." I had only been to school a handful of days after summer break ended because I wanted to spend as much time with Akari as I could. Hatori dropped out of college and took over as the Sohma doctor. Everybody was devastated by this considering he was so good at school and he liked it just as much. But Hatori did not show his disappointment as this was what he had been preparing for all along. It was strange to see him in the lab coat and Akari in his pajamas, lying in bed all day. 

I have since forgotten the details of Akari's final days: an irreversible coping mechanism that I developed during my mother's passing. The only things I can recall are good memories but they are too exaggerated to be what actually happened, I think. Not to mention, I hear faint melancholy piano music in the background of all of them, like scenes from a movie. One night, after weeks of begging Akito for permission and finally being granted it, Hatori took Akari out onto the porch in his wheelchair while Shigure and Ayame lit off fireworks to "celebrate," even though there was nothing in particular we were celebrating (we avoided talking about Akari's condition in front of him as often as possible, so saying we were celebrating his life would cross the line). We rewatched home videos frequently (the same ten on a loop--they were all we had) and read the letters Akari and his wife had sent to one another when they were still dating. There were tiny moments throughout these days that are too perfect to be my own: Hatori and I sitting on Akari's bed, sharing childhood memories and telling him about the times we succeeded in deceiving him until we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe, buying him a cat to keep him company when we couldn't (Akari named him Yaps, I don't know why), and the wonderful things that Akari said to me just nights before he passed:

"I am so proud of you, Koharu," he began, grabbing my hand and laying it on his chest. He attempted to sit up so he could finish but the nurse urged him to remain lying down. Akari made the effort for me anyway and sat up as straight as he could. "You are more capable than you think. Never give up and do all of the things I was too scared to do," he said, looking at me seriously. 

I raised my eyebrow, gripping his hand tightly. "What were you too scared to do?" I asked.  

He smiled and kissed my hand before releasing it gently. "Everything. I wanted to travel but I was too nervous to do so. I wanted to study literature and ancient civilizations and art history, but I was too scared to go against my father's wishes and became a doctor instead. Koharu, I didn't live my life the way that I wanted because I was too frightened of the 'what ifs' and I don't want you to be that way too. You may not have my genes, but I can tell that we are still a lot alike." He scratched the top of Yaps' head endearingly. "Since we're so similar, I can tell that you have as much potential at succeeding as I do, which is a considerable amount," he added, raising his eyebrow and grinning at me mischieviously. He got to be so funny towards the end of his life. "Do everything, for me and yourself, of course." He leaned forward and whispered, "But mostly for me," and released a boisterous laugh that echoed through the room. 

Akari wanted to help us plan his funeral to take the burden off of Hatori's shoulders. It seemed natural since he was coherent enough and had a vision for what he wanted his final send-off to be like, but it was very depressing. I couldn't stay in the room for long when I realized that the flowers, the music, the urn for his ashes would all just replace the man sitting in front of me. I didn't want to see any of those things, even if he picked them out to his liking, if I couldn't have him. 

I won't depress you with the rest of the details, it's been six years since his passing and I still get emotional about it even now. But Akari's death doesn't have to be heavy on your mind considering you never got to meet him so I won't force you to feel anything you don't want to.