Little Tiger

I love him, I love him not?

It was a beautiful sunny day--the first one the spring had allowed us. Birds were chirping to life just outside, the faint trickle of rain still dripping off the roof, but no signs of gray clouds in the sky. Bees were pollinating the flowers, the sakura trees were almost done blooming, their branches shedding were a sign that summer was on its way. It was humid out after the rain, giving the impression that it was warmer outside than it normally would be this time of year. What a glorious morning! If I wasn't waking up in Shigure's bed, still naked and slimily pressed against him, his morning breath sinking into my nostrils and fogging up the crook of my neck. 

There was a racket in the kitchen, meaning, someone was trying to step through the piles of trash bags to make it to the fridge: a fateful mission, no man's land. It was Yuki in the kitchen, no doubt. I covered myself, imagining the unlikely scenario in which Yuki happens inside of Shigure's room and finds both of us lying naked beside each other. 

"I wouldn't mind it if you said we were dating and meant it"..."I love you, Ko. Still do, always have."  

It was beautiful. The only words that I needed to hear from him. I lacked the courage or vulnerability to admit words like these. That's what made them all the more special. I shouldn't have slept with him to consummate his sincerity, though. I regretted not being able to say, Yes, Gure, I love you too. Instead, I just kissed him and smothered him with my feelings through the art of sex, which wasn't what feelings were. Feelings were speech, gestures, gifts; not sex, even if you want to call it 'I love you sex', which, in my head, that is exactly what I titled it as and filed it under said name in my memories. Ah, yes, the night Gure and I had 'I love you sex.' Huh? No, of course I didn't say that I loved him, I only fucked him. Cute, right? 

I drew Shigure's head even closer to me, holding my arms around him, praying that the peacefulness of last night and this morning wouldn't leave us the moment we left the safety of his bedroom. 

"Going to school," Yuki called dryly, not expecting any sort of response.  

Just as the front door shut and Yuki was out of ear shot: "Have a good day," the head beside me croaked, weak with sleep. I hadn't realized he was awake. Noticing me, he smiled. "Good morning, Girlfriend." Apparently, my decision to have sex with Shigure last night had solidified in his mind that we were dating. I was pleased to know that he had translated the 'I love you sex' for me. 

"Morning to you." My thumb stroked his cheek, admiring the puffiness his face had retained after sleep. 

His head dipped onto my chest, his eyes shutting again. "You're not going to call me 'boyfriend'?" He seemed disappointed, like I would ever utter such a phrase: Morning to you, Boyfriend. Never. 

"Just because you do something doesn't mean I have to." Why am I always so defiant? Why can't I just do something for someone else? You're going to lose him if you don't stop fighting with him all the time. Do you want that? Seems like you do. 

He smacked his lips quietly, his eyes opening again as he looked at me, a thoughtful expression on his face. "I guess you're right." His head plopped down again, moaning in praise as I continued to pick through his hair. "It'd be nice to hear it, though." He got to his hands and knees and crawled on top of me, his elbows on either side of my head. "Call me your boyfriend." He curved his back so his stomach pressed into mine as he stretched. "Go on." 

I pressed the back of my head into the pillow, my eyes closing with irritation--irritation with myself for being unable to say it without thinking it sounded stupid. "You're my boyfriend." Easy, right? Now I won't lose him. 

He grinned, looking down at my mouth as my words left it. His fingers reached up to pinch my cheek. "There ya go." He ruffled my hair before rolling off of me and locating his kimono on the floor. I hadn't realized it right away, but Shigure only wore kimonos now. They looked perfect on him. It was hard to believe he ever wore anything but a kimono. When I tried to imagine him in jeans and a shirt, he didn't look complete. This, I thought, is the full fledged Shigure, who I saw before was a mere teaser of the man he was to become. "Don't you have to go to work?"