Little Tiger

The last hangout

I didn't see the boys when I left for school the following morning. They were still asleep. I wished I could be on summer break too; sleep sounds heavenly. But I didn't have to fight Ayame for the bathroom and no one was around to distract me from finishing the homework that I had been ignoring all weekend. I didn't do my English homework because I imagined Callie would let me copy off of hers, even though things were not the best between us. We were still friends, but there was a weird filter over us now. I stopped walking home with her after school and instead rode home in the estate car with Ritsu and Kureno. We didn't bring up our old jokes or make any new ones. But we still liked being around each other and our friendship was so comfortable, like we had known each other for ten years. The change in our dynamic made me wonder if we were acting too close to each other before. Had we both been accidentally leading each other on? The line between friends and romantic pursuit was all blurred together now. I didn't think I had treated her any differently than I would a regular friend (but I didn't have any other friends to relate our situation to). She was drunk and heartbroken, and I was just there. But every time I tried to convince myself of these things, I remember how I kissed her back. My memory of this incident became fuzzy the moment after it had happened, but I vaguely remember putting my hand on her thigh, as if I was leaning into her. It was rather intimate--not something we could just make out to be friendly or familial. Besides, I don't kiss my friends, so there's no point in trying to convince myself that our kiss was anything but romantic. 

My confusion towards our friendship didn't show. And if she felt the way I did, I couldn't tell. At school, she was my only friend and I was hers. But, now that I've had over six years to reflect on our relationship, I can assume that we really were in love with each other. I wanted her as badly as I wanted Shigure, and, somewhere deep inside of me, I was hoping she wanted me in the same way. But I didn't realize my feelings until she was gone, and I never could tell if she felt anything for me at all. 

Ritsu was already waiting in the back seat of the car when Kureno and I walked out to it. Kureno and I were getting along quite well now that Akito wasn't using him as a personal security camera just for me (he accepted the role immediately and effectuated it dutifully). I knew that Kureno never did these kinds of things because he wanted to, but it was hard to remember that. 

"Where were you and Shigure last night?" he asked, simply to make conversation. 

I shrugged. "We went out to eat," I explained. Even though he wasn't asking this so he could report it to Akito, I still couldn't tell him what we really were doing. 

"Oh yeah? You two are awfully friendly now, huh?" he said, snickering. 

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. "We've been friends for a long time. Nothing's changed." 

He nudged me with his elbow, almost making me fall over. "You know, I would tell you if I slept with Shigure," he said jokingly. 

I stopped walking, holding onto my school bag tightly and looking at him with my mouth open. 

The way that Kureno looked back at me showed that he really was only kidding. He didn't actually believe that I had slept with Shigure. But I had given myself up without him having to try. He tilted his chin down, looking at me with his eyebrows furrowed. 

"You didn't," he said with a gasp. 

His reaction made reality set in. I had, though. I slept with Shigure. What possessed me to do something so stupid? I had spent all these months fantasizing about Shigure, telling him he was 'my only,' telling Callie all about our relationship, using his robe after I showered, and now I had slept with him too. 

I rubbed the side of my face, staring at Kureno blankly. "We can't talk about it here," I stated. We were just outside of the main house; far too close to Akito to discuss this. The driver honked at us, telling us to get a move on. I dashed away from Kureno and climbed into the back seat next to Ritsu. Kureno took the front seat and turned to me with the same dumbfounded expression. I cut my eyes away, focusing on what I could see outside of the window to distract myself. I was sure he wouldn't tell; he was loyal to Akito but not a tattle. I rarely thought about telling anyone about Shigure and I's relationship, but when I did I imagined it would be fairly painless. There would be no yelling or fighting, or even congratulations. Everyone would just dismiss it or even accept it. That was the way all of us worked, after all. We only cared about each other because we were stuck together, it didn't go much deeper. In fact, I wouldn't be friends with any of the people in the estate if we hadn't been forced together by the curse. None of them are my ideal type of friends just as I am not theirs. Anyway, Kureno's reaction seemed like a normal reaction to me now after telling him about Shigure and I. I didn't know what I was thinking before. Of course it's outrageous that the two of us are pursuing each other. It was a much bigger deal than I was originally making it out to be. I also wasn't entirely sure if I wanted to face all of this backlash from our peers just so we could be together. Was it worth it? Did I really want Shigure? All I knew is that I enjoyed receiving affection. I liked kissing Callie and having sex with Shigure felt good. I felt that whoever was behind these actions came second. Then again, I didn't like the idea of letting Shigure go. He was the only option I had for a partner and, frankly, he wasn't the worst choice.