letters to the stars

two 🗝️

★

I lazily slide open my closet door and just take a minute to stare at all my clothes perfectly organised thanks to Changbin, I can't get myself to organise anything. It's that familiar wave of tiredness that completely knocks me out, it wipes all the motivation I have worked so hard to find completely out of me. It's as if my visions blurs itself in seconds as a way to distract myself while my brain shuts down, along with my vision blurring my eyes also grow heavy. I want to sleep, there's someone on both my shoulders telling me to pass out immediately. You don't need to try Hyunjin, you're sick.

"Why do I have to be left alone today."

I shut my eyes in annoyance, I don't even bother to make my question come out like a regular question it's more of a call for help. I force my clenched eyes open and reach out to pull out a sweater similar to the one I'm wearing in that moment, it takes me a dragged out period of time to grab the sweater. I toss it onto my twist up sheets not bothering to take the hanger out then attempt to pull open the drawers, that also takes dramatically long but I end up grabbing a pair of comfy navy-ish coloured trousers. I close both the wardrobe and drawers, well done me. I turn around to look at my sweater realising that I need a t-shirt to pair with it, I groan again. Today really isn't my day which isn't special, life is never on my side.

"God, I'm so stupid."

I practically drag my hand up to my face lazily slapping my hand over my whole face. I can't be bothered to move anymore so I just stand there frozen. In my mind I can see myself on my hands and knees begging for Changbin to save me, it's unfair that he has to do literally everything for me but yet again it's also unfair that I'm deathly sick. That dizzy faint feeling still taunts me, it won't leave. The best way I think I can explain the feeling is by you imagining that you're in space, there's no gravity and you feel uncontrollable. That's me, but it's really not fun. You can close your eyes as tightly as humanly possible and that anti-gravity feeling will still exist. It's hell.

"Hyunjin, are you ready~?"

His voice gradually sounds like it's approaching closer to me. I can't tell if I'm hallucinating this so I just stay quiet, he'll see me stuck in a daze soon enough.

"Do you need help with your clothes?"

I feel his hand grazing my shoulder which gives me the signal to 'wake up'. I don't turn my head towards him instead I just shift my eyes to him, he's looking at me with a soft sincere smile across his face which sort of reliefs me. Yes, I do need help with my clothes but that's genuinely so embarrassing to admit, it doesn't matter if I'm vulnerable and every single person knows that it's the fact that I hate admitting that. I've been living on this earth for twenty-one years yet I need to let my career know that I need help picking my clothes out all because my body tells me to shut down after doing the smallest task.

"I need a white t-shirt."

My fingers get hold of the bottom of my sweater, I clutch onto it for dear life before the embarrassment swallows me whole. I feel my cheeks getting warmer and my ears are most likely turning a pink colour, this is the worst. Changbin doesn't seem to care about me admitting that I can't get a stupid t-shirt meanwhile I am on the verge of throwing myself into ongoing traffic due to the overwhelming embarrassment. Changbin pulls out a plain white t-shirt which perfectly fits the description I gave him then hands it to me, I grab it my arm practically getting weighed down by the light hanger. Changbin gives me a gentle smile then walks off back into the kitchen, typical.

"Call me in when you're dressed!"

After about five minutes I finally wrap up getting changed, I bundled up my dirty pyjamas in my arms then drag my legs into the kitchen to put my clothes into the laundry. Changbin notices me and rushes over to make sure I'm alright, you never know what could happen to me even while doing the slightest tasks. He patiently waits for me to chuck my crumpled pyjamas into the laundry with a sincere look glazing his face. I try to widen my eyes a little bit as they are insanely tired, I can tell my eyes look drained and lifeless which I don't really want. I try my best to care about my looks even when I'm feeling my worst.

"You should leave for the appointment now, you have an hour to get there. Be there by 12:45 so you have fifteen minutes to wait or something."

Changbin's voice pleases me, it's so soothing to my ears. I could listen to his voice for hours without getting sick of it.

"Okay. Are you staying here?"

I slide my hands into my empty pockets as Changbin nods in a cool manner, I copy him then walk off to get my shoes on. I try to force some type of energy into my drained body, it barely works. I bend down and pick up my pair of shoes, the comfiest ones I could find. I bring struggle to put them on but eventually I do it, I quickly tie the shoe laces then just stand leaning against my the walk. Shortly after I put my shoes on I catch Changbin making his way towards me in the corner of my eye, he has something unfamiliar and unrecognisable in his hand.

"Your taxi is downstairs, the number is 0830. Make sure to message me when you're there, here's your phone and medicine~"

He holds out my smudged phone and what seems to be a small bag full with my medicine and whatever stuff I need. How boring. I take it off him grabbing the tote bag conveniently hanging up on my coat hanger next to me, I shove the mini bag into the tote bag and begin to unlock the door. My head spins around slightly, but I don't take much notice to it since it's a common symptom.

"Thanks Changbin. See you later."

I don't look back after saying that to him. I lock the door making sure I don't make eye contact with him in my usual style. I hurry down the stairs to get to my taxi as soon as possible, I like to get to my appointments early because sometimes my doctor lets me come in early if she has no patients. After practically racing myself down the narrow stairs of my apartment complex the dizzy sensation covering my head intensifies, I stumble as I reach the end of the stairs and take at least thirty seconds to steady my balance. The sunlight that I had deeply thought about when I woke up greets me once again. Yeah, it's pretty but it doesn't bother me that much. I can only see one taxi which obviously has to belong to me which is actually surprising since normally there's rows of taxis lined up outside the apartment. I open the door as the beaming sunlight reflects onto me.

"Taxi 0830, for Hyunjin?"

The driver politely nods at my question, I do the same then get in fastening my seatbelt immediately.

"Seoul national university hospital, sir?"

I nod simply answering his question.

"Thank you, sir."

I do a small head bow in a way to show that I'm grateful, he does the same. He looks young, like really young. Normally taxi drivers in my area are on the older side so his appearance takes me by surprise. He is quite good looking, neat dark brown hair, slim face, fair skin and plump lips. He looks quite smart but not overly smart like snobby but neat, that gives me the impression that he's probably only a few years older than me. I'm gonna say that the oldest he could be is between twenty-five to twenty-eight. The stupid faint feeling taunting me distracts me and instantly forces my brain to go blank in a singular second, it's like my whole mind goes fuzzy like the static on TV. It makes my head pound creating a migraine headache to irritate my head, it freezes up my brain bringing me pain. My head hurting isn't even a symptom of my heart disease but for some reason my body decides to create unnecessary pain in my head when I'm dizzy or faint. I shut my eyes softly while I silently fidget with my fingers hoping that the taxi driver doesn't notice me. The drive will go past quickly if I just ignore my surroundings, if I don't even acknowledge the nature of Seoul outside of the window. The driver shouldn't bother me either since if he sees me acting this way he should realise that I'm a sick person, I'm going to the hospital so what I'll do is act sick and fed up. My role is a fragile fed up young person who is dealing with the burden of death and illness.

My dramatic yet real mindset amuses me.

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