letters to the stars

seven 🗝️

★

We're finally in the taxi after an uncomfortably long day in that dreadful hospital, the depressing tension from the hospital drags into the taxi. I'm exhausted and I also don't feel my best, there's a strong sickness deep in my throat and I hate it.

"Are you in any pain..?"

Changbin buckles his seatbelt then looks back at me, I don't reply. I don't even shake my head the slightest, I feel numb. I don't have the heart to simply reply to him as I feel like a burden. I'm sort of in pain but that's not his problem, not even in the slightest and I don't expect him to care. I shut my eyes as the car begins to move, Changbin tells the driver where to go but it's all a blur in my mind. His voice is slowly drifting away, morphing into words I can't understand a single bit. My eyes naturally lead me into the land of my own thoughts, these thoughts quickly become dreams. I'm drifting asleep before I can even process it.

"why did it have to be him..?"

It's the muffled voice of Changbin that stays inside of my head, I feel like I'm asleep but obviously I'm still conscious. He sighs and the silence fills my ears, I sit and wait for any other voice to appear. I don't hear a single voice. I only hear the faint noises of the car driving, there's nothing special about the journey home. The atmosphere around me is full with a thick tension that can't be overlooked, the journey is painfully slow but my exhaustion manages to send me off to sleep before my thoughts consume me.

★  ★  ★

"wake up, we're home.."

His voice doesn't startle me, instead it awakes me in the most peaceful way possible. His soft way of speaking graces my ears strangely, I find it better than being startled so I settle on enjoying it. My eyes crack open to be met with the awfully bright lights inside the car, I question on how I even managed to drift asleep with these lights irritating my eyes in the first place.. Changbin hands the money to the driver, they both give me a look to hurry up and get out. I must be agitating.

"s..sorry driver.. thank you.."

I stutter while rushing myself out of the cramped car. I notice Changbin stuffing his change into his pocket, he paid for the taxi.. It's a kind gesture but it makes me feel guilty in a way, I would've given him some moneys towards the journey. The car speeds off as both me and Changbin walk towards my apartment, my hands and buried inside my woolly pockets preventing Changbin from grasping onto my hand. I know he wants to, it's obvious. He wants to make sure that my limited amount of life will be valued, I'd rather not be noticed during this time, I want to stay to myself.

"you alright?"

He pulls out his extra set of keys I got cut for him and begins to unlock the door. Tears taunt my eyes but I don't dare to let them out, that's just how I am.

"can we talk about this tomorrow please?"

My tone comes across as dull and lifeless but Changbin seems to understand my feelings, he nods politely while a soft smile greets his face. The warm condensed air from my home welcomes me as I take my shoes off and place my coat on the hanger, it's nice. It's a feeling I've missed and craved all day long, the welcoming scent of home. I drag my feet throughout the house until I reach my room. My eyes glaze across the room, it's messy but I like it that way, it's cozy that way. There's art supplies recklessly decorating my room, paint tubes, canvases, brushes, cups stained with paint and any other art supply you can image cover my room.

"i'll tidy it another day."

I lay flat on my bed not bothering to change my clothes into pyjamas. I'm too exhausted. It's a singular tear that drifts down the side of my face. There's no more, that's the only one. There's an unexplainable amount of grief and fear piling on top of me, it's grief and fear for my own death, it's torturing me. For the next six or less months I'll be subjected to watch my own health deteriorate until I take my last breath, it's eye opening to me. I'm twenty one yet I feel as if I have never actually valued my life because I expected it to end shortly, but now that I'm guaranteed to pass I can't tell if I am relieved of anxious.

"you haven't eaten all day."

Changbin sits on the edge of the bed, I can feel his eyes focusing on me. I feel like he sees that I want to shed all my well kept away tears in his arms but he also knows that I'm not the type of person to do that. One day I will manage to open up and let all my burning tears out, I'll just have to wait a while.

"i'll get you some pyjamas, get comfortable and rest well. you deserve it."

Changbin opens my wardrobe and picks out a sweatshirt and sweatpants to keep my fragile body from freezing, it's not insanely cold out but my body doesn't seem to provide any warmth for itself so I stick to wearing heavy clothing. He lays the two pieces next to me then calmly walks out of my room giving me time to change, I can't be bothered but I have to change. I manage to lift my self up, I drag my hand onto the sweatshirt and grab it, I have to pause as enough of my energy has been rinsed. I sigh in annoyance as I begin to strip out of my sweatshirt I was already wearing, my scrawny body alarms me but my reaction doesn't surprise me.

My ribs graze against my thin skin in an unnatural way, they are uncomfortably visible for my liking and I guess that's how other people think as-well since no one ever compliments my figure. My complexion is dull and uncanny, tans don't exist to me apparently.

I finish changing into my pyjamas, of course my energy has already been stripped from me. I crawl back into my bed the bed sheets scratch against my skin in a way that I like, I curl myself up in a survival position letting any dying heat escape to comfort me. I feel safe in this position, like I can cry until I end up drifting asleep. I feel that way so I do exactly that, it's in that moment where I let myself forget about how anyone else will perceive me because I need this moment to feel at ease.

"you alright in there hyunjin?"

Tears coat my pale cheeks as soft whimpering noises occasionally leave my mouth, it hurts and it always will. I'm slightly shaking due to how heavily I'm letting my emotions out and it's very unusual. I can hear the muffled footsteps of Changbin walking beside my bed here to check up on me, he doesn't seem startled as he must understand my pain at the moment. I respect that deeply. He places his hand on top of my back, he's sitting beside me gently rubbing my back allowing me to spill out all my pain, no one has ever done that for me expect for my mom.

"i'm here for you hyunjin, i really care for you.."

His words just about soothe me. I shut my eyes still letting all my tears flow as I know that I need rest, my brain is begging me to relax. Changbin continues to console me, he rubs my back and occasionally says a few soothing words, words that show support. He constantly lets me know that he's with me and that I'm not alone, he also takes my symptoms into account like if I'm in physical pain or not. I think after a while when I've finally drifted off to sleep in the same position I sobbed in he realises that I'm not physically hurting the moment, I'm mentally hurting.

tomorrow I'll deal with myself in a better way.

★

i'm so sorry for the short chapters!!! :(

sorry for not publishing a lot aswell shshshsh
i will do better now~~~

poor jinnie :,(