letters to the stars

three 🗝️

★

"We're here sir."

The voice of the surprisingly young taxi driver breaks my thoughts, I blink open my eyes trying to adjust them quickly.

"That'll be 4,800 won please."

I dig through my tote bag looking for some money. I only manage to find 4,500 won, my eyes shift up from the change in my shaky hands then back to the driver who's patiently waiting. My hands tremble even more, why does this stuff always happen to me? I shut my eyes and sigh gripping all the poor change I managed to gather.

"I only have 4,500.. Is that alright? I'm really sorry.."

I stutter quite a bit as anxiety and panic takes advantage of me. In an unexpected twist the driver just casually smiled and nods without a care in the world, I sigh in relief and hand him the change with my hand still shaking.

"That's fine, don't worry about it. Have a nice day!"

I grab my bag while giving him another small head bow with a relieved yet thankful expression plastered onto my face.

"You too."

I shut the car door and watch the taxi drive off into the busy Seoul streets, ahead of me is the place I've always dreaded. The hospital. I don't really mind the doctor's office but the hospital is just terrible, it's so chaotic and stresses me out. It's also more doom-impending, every time I go there I feel like I'm gonna receive the worst news of my life which I hate so deeply. I take a deep breath like a childish little kid and walk up to the entrance, there's people everywhere, coughing, limping, crying and even arguing. They are arguing with either doctors or patients, probably in some sort of denial. I can almost hear every single distressed person begging doctors and nurses to save their dying or dead loved ones, it makes me realise that someone who loves me will have to do that one day all because of my hopeless immune system. I drag myself closer to the reception desk and I make eye contact with a receptionist straight away, oh I hate it.

"Hello, how can I help you?"

Her voice is sweet and warm but it doesn't ease my anxiety. I screw up my face which has to come across as rude, honestly not sure why that was my first reaction..

"...um.. uh.. well...."

My mind goes completely blank, what am I asking for again? Why am I here? Who's my doctor? Where's my room? What's my name? How old am I? How long have I had my condition for? All these questions that I have created myself freeze my brain even more than it already was. The lady at the desk stays patient but I can tell the queue forming right behind me isn't.

"sorry.. i.. uh—"

I stutter but the receptionist cuts me off, I don't find it rude as I realise she's trying to guide me.

"Let's start here, what's your name?"

A smile greets her face. I fidget with my hands in the same manner I did in the taxi moments before.

"Hwang Hyunjin, I'm twenty-one."

Thank god I finally got myself together and formed a simple yet effective sentence. After a few clicks coming from the mouse of the computer the receptionist seems to find me quite easily.

"Got it, your doctor is Dr Cho right?"

I nod trying to get out of this situation as quickly and easily as humanly possible.

"Your all signed in Mr Hwang. Take a seat in the waiting room just to your left and Dr Cho will come and collect you when it's time for your appointment!"