letters to the stars

four 🗝️

★

"Thanks."

I try to give the lady a smile but I stop myself, don't do it Hyunjin. I'm not sure on why I had the urge to stop myself, I think it's because I can't get myself to genuinely smile. It's fake. I was about to ask her why she was sitting in this torturous hospital but I was interrupted.

"Hwang Hyunjin?"

It's Dr Cho, she's standing next to me with a sweet expression on her face. She's caring and I can tell she really cares about her patients which relieves me from the stress of having an ignorant doctor. I turn my head to the sound of her voice and swing my bag over my shoulder preparing to make my way to my room. I gesture a small hand wave to the older lady while I stand up, she does the same with a sweet smile across her lips.

"How have you been?"

We walk side by side in the midst of the crowded hospital halls.

"I'm neither good nor bad."

We quickly make it to her office or what it's more commonly known as a room, we get there fairly quickly since it's on the bottom floor which is alright. I take a seat next to her desk, my eyes examine my surroundings they focus on every detail. It's eerie in the room, there's an aura that only hospitals carry in the air, I feel alone but I know I'm not since the silenced commotion outside the door sneaks in. Dr Cho sits at her desk and prepares to type all the information she needs about me into the computer, I'm too used to this by now.

"So tell me, how have you been feeling?"

Thankfully the pills have started to kick in now so the crippling pain in my chest doesn't disrupt me.

"Lately I've felt insanely exhausted, it's getting to the point where I can't even get up or open my eyes. I constantly suffer from the pain in my chest, it's all the same pain that I've faced before just worse and more often.. I haven't changed my diet or anything so I don't understand why this is happening."

The satisfying clicking noise coming from the keyboard pleases me, it's so nice to hear for some reason. I act like such a child..

"I see. Last time I remember us deciding to prescribe you with a heavier medication, have you been taking the correct amounts?"

I nod, everything I've ever done to make my life easier for my heart condition to ease hasn't changed once. I live a healthy lifestyle taking into account that I am ill, me sitting here and talking to Dr Cho just makes me realise that my pain worsening isn't because I'm doing something wrong, it's because my body is failing on me.

"Okay. Are you still feeling dizzy or faint at times? If you are, can you tell me how severe it gets?"

I don't even hesitate when she asks me this question as flashbacks from this morning play back in my head like a bad dream.

"Yes, it's gotten way worse. There's time where I feel like I can't even stand up, even when I'm lying down it feels like I'm going to pass out. I take all my medication for it and it helps but not for long."

She continues to type on the computer and I can see her pulling up any records she has about me, all the usual stuff. She immediately pulls up my test results from last month, it's a CT scan of my declining heart. As soon as I see that image I know that last month is going to replay out the same. Dr Cho looks at me then back at the screen.

"Hyunjin, I'm going to check your heartbeat is that alright?"

I sigh as I know that the test is only short, it literally takes five minutes but I still hate it. I hate that I have to take my shirt off and that this mahas become a regular for me. Today is going to play out excruciatingly long, it's just going to drag on. Dr Cho gestures me to sit down on the bed so that's what I do, my face is off and drowsy. I want to go home so badly.

"I'm going to check your breathing first, you know how this goes."

She teases knowing that she's completely right, I have to come here so often that I could practically call it my second home. My life has been full with constant visits to the hospital since I was around six, that's when I was diagnosed with heart disease. There's always been some sort of machinery hooked up to my fragile heart. When I was a kid I didn't understand why I had to visit the doctors but I understood the pain. For a young child I experienced the worst pain imaginable, my condition was dangerously severe for my age. Now I'm twenty-one and I still can't suck the pain up, I've been rushed into hospital four times since this year began. It'll all went the same, I'd be found unconscious by Changbin and he wouldn't be able to wake me, it was all the pain but never a heart attack.

"Breathe in."

I follow her instructions like all the other times. My breathing has never been the best due to my condition but today it's a different type of raspy, it's shallow almost. Another reminder of death. The cold metal against my back doesn't make me shiver anymore, instead I actually enjoy it. I like the sensation it brings, the way it presses against me calms me in a way. It's strange and unexpected.

"Breathe out."

We do this around four times, it never changes. Now it's the worst part, the ecg. It's basically just a load of sticky patches that get stuck to your chest to measure the activity in my heart. I hate it because I have to show my body, my body disgusts me. I don't care if I'm handsome, my body is too slim. Nobody likes it.

"Lay down for me Hyunjin. Nurse Min will be with us as-well."

I lay down with my head gently resting high on the headboard, I take a deep breath trying to contain all my emotions. I feel so petrified being here, nothing can properly ease me when I'm in this ghostly room. I admit it, I want my mom. I'm twenty-one years old yet I still beg for my mom
in my head, we haven't seen each other since I was nineteen because I got a place in Seoul and my mother wanted to live out of Seoul. We still chat frequently but it's not the same, I want to feel her in my arms again, I want her to wipe the tears off my face, I want her to reassure me that I'll be okay when the pain gets too much. As you can see, I don't get what I want often.

"Take your shirt off please."

I blink away one pathetic tear and take my shirt off, I hate it already. Dr Cho practically has everything we need where I'm staying in, she specialises in cardiac problems just anything to do with the heart so it's expected. When I have to stay overnight at the hospital or the doctors need to do something really serious on me I'm forced to go to another room. I'm now just realising how cold I feel in this room, taking my sweater off really wiped away every sense of heat I was provided with.

"Hello Hyunjin! How are you?"

It's the voice of Nurse Min, I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn't even realise she was here. I turn my head towards her voice but I don't smile, the numb expression on my face carries on.

"Normal—"

I stop myself from finishing as I don't want to overthink my response again. I did this when Changbin asked me how my sleep was, I gave possibly the least normal response I could give. Nurse Min smiles at me, thankfully it's a smile that can't be overlooked since it isn't one that screams 'pity'. My eyes don't wander around the room like how they used to, now they stay fixed onto one specific thing. There's nothing that interests me about this hospital anymore, I've seen it all.

"Glad to hear, Hyunjin."

She finishes struggling to put on those insanely tight hospital gloves.

Now comes the hard part, containing my tears.

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