letters to the stars

six 🗝️

★

The sun is beginning to set, it's been six hours since I was sat in that bed contemplating my life choices. My eyes feel heavy but I know deep down that I can't sleep, not yet atleast. We're in the upstairs waiting room as it's more peaceful and I like it more than the other one, the peace makes me feel more at ease but my thoughts still roam my mind. Death particularly taunts me every couple of minutes, this simple test will basically decide my whole life. I find my hands shaking slightly as the nerves take over me.

"You'll be fine."

He can tell that I'm anxious so he places his hand over mine preventing it from shaking. I don't reply, instead I just go back into having a staring contest with the outside world. It's pretty. I want to paint the city ahead of me but obviously I can't, not right now.

"Hwang Hyunjin?"

It's the voice of Dr Cho. I stand up but somebody unexpected also stands up, it's Changbin. I look at him with a confused look across my face.

"I'll go on my own. It's better that way."

Changbin sighs.

"Are you sure you'll be ok..?"

I know that I won't be okay and Changbin knows that deep down, I dread whatever answer I'm going to get because it's going to be negative no matter what. There's tears irritating my eyes but like always I don't dare to let them out, it's a burden for everyone if I show that I'm petrified of death. Pity is exchanged to me by everyone.

"I'll be fine."

I walk off as I can't hold myself up anymore, I hate the fake personality I've put on. I'm not strong but I'll just pretend I am for now. Dr Cho catches up to me, her face seems down, she seems off which tells me that something is wrong. Something is painfully wrong with me. We both step into the elevator with silence quickly filling the air between us, it creates great tension. Suddenly the unfamiliar interest in that project Changbin informed me about intrigues me, he really wants me to take part in it. If I get given my death date today I'll take part in the project, I'll take interest in the boy named Yang Jeongin. I swallow my stubbornness for once which is a step towards something. We've made it into the room, another doctor is sat in a chair which is empty, it's for Dr Cho. The room I'm led into is the room that fills people with terror, where you talk about how badly your health is declining. Anxiety fills my head.

"Take a seat, Hyunjin."

The other doctor's tone is sweet, sweet like Dr Cho's tone. Her name tag says 'Dr Lim' on it, it's a pretty name to me. I follow her instructions and so does Dr Cho, they both are sitting straight infront of me. They both seem almost hesitant to speak, they are too serious for my liking. My fingers grab ahold of my sleeve of my jacket, I grip onto it praying that it provides me with some sort of comfort.

"I'd rather just get it over with."

My voice slightly breaks, the tone is full with heartbreak but hints of annoyance are present. Dr Cho sighs as it looks like shes contemplating on how to spit the news out. My heart aches continuously. I can't stay focused, I want to go home.

"Hyunjin, do you want some tissues?"

I sniffle. I sniffle away the teasing tears but they don't go away, instead they make it hurt more. I'm going to die and no one can help me, I'm helpless. My fingers stop fidgeting with my coat sleeve, my hands shake, they shake too much. I wipe away the singular tear that manages to leave my eye as Dr Lim nudges the tissues towards me, I can't bring myself to take one. It hurts too much.

"How long...? i want to know how long..?"

My lips quiver as another tear dramatically falls down my cold cheek, it escalates from one to what seems like hundreds. I want my mom, I want her to hold my hand and tell me that it's ok, that I'll be ok.. I don't want to die and it's only just hit me now that I don't want to see the end. My life has been full of misery ever since I hit eighteen but for some odd reason I still see the light to life, something is always in my head begging me to keep going. I'm a negative person and I've been that way for years now but I've made it to the age twenty-one, there's something telling me not to give up and I don't know why.

"We think around six months.. I'm so sorry Hyunjin.."

My head collapses into my hands. Tears flowing from my eyes collide into my hands.

"Feel free to ask anymore questions, I understand how hard this is for you so take a minute."

I try to blur out everyone's voices, it's making me more agitated. I don't want to ask anymore questions, I just want to go home. I've spent twenty-one disgraceful years looking for my full purpose in life just to be met with death. I'm a good person, I enjoy helping others and I'd prefer saving someone's life instead of mine. Why am I being repaid in such a gruesome way?

"i wanna go home.. please let me go.."

I plead. I practically beg, I want to sleep and forgot about everything I've heard today. Tonight is a night that I would like to erase from my life. There's silence filling the room, all you can hear is my muted sobs of grief.

"I'll go get your career for you, then we can discharge you.. Please feel free to ask any questions, Hyunjin."

Dr Lim leaves the room to bring Changbin to comfort me, now he'll have to deal with my burden. My hands are still spread across my face, I can barely see but I catch Dr Cho pushing the tissues closer to me, there's urgency on her face. I move my shaky soaked hands off from my face with tears still streaming down my face.

"Take one, please?"

I hesitantly pull out a tissue out from the box and gently dab it on my face, the tears still seep down. Many thoughts run through my mind, especially thoughts of letting my heart fail and not choosing to fight at all. The promise I made to myself earlier taunts me, it's the least I could do to make Changbin more eased before I pass. I could seriously help someone by writing a few letters about myself to that boy, he wouldn't have signed up to that project if he didn't need some type of help. I crumple up the tissue and go back to sobbing into my already soaked hands, the salty liquid dries my hands quickly. I don't like it. Through the blur of noises around me I hear Changbin and Dr Lim enter again, it's scarily obvious that there's something dangerously wrong with me. Why even bother to ask? It's practically written all over the walls that I'm declining.

"Hyunjin!?"

He immediately rushes over to me, his arms wrapped around my cold body. His touch and presence comforts me greatly but nothing can stop me from sobbing, for now at least.

"It's alright, I'm here now.."

The tears fall out even harder, my emotions grow harsher. I'm going to constantly crave attention from now on, attention from Changbin, my mom, other close relatives and even people I've never met but I have a connection with. I continue to sob, these tears are tears that have needed to be let out for years now. I've been able to bottle up my emotions ever since I was eighteen and now they have decided to pour out, I'm glad.

"try calm down.. you'll make yourself sick.."

He's right. If I continue to cry like this I'll end up making myself feel worse, I might even throw up from sobbing to hard.

"let me wipe away your tears.. it hurts, doesn't it?"

He's right again. It hurts, my body hurts and so does my mental state. I feel some type of safe with him but my body won't let me show him that, I want to force my hands away from my face but I can't seem to bring myself to let go. 'Please wipe my tears away,' is what I repeat in my messy brain praying that he'll be able to hear it.

"take me home.."

I manage to let out that one simple sentence. That one sentence will bring me to the place I want to be in most, home. I feel unsafe, I feel uncomfortable here. I don't like the aura the room I'm forced to sit in brings, negativity is the feeling I get while being in this situation.

Please take my illness away from me, I can't survive any longer.

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