Rubble: Devil's Rose #12

Chapter 3: Alice Owens

"I want to have sex," I blurt out, not sure how to start this awkward conversation.

Why does Nick have to be so pushy about everything? Cause then I wouldn't have to say anything about the fact that I'm horny.

"What?" is the only word that comes out of his mouth.

"Your girl has needs, and she's too scared to get them met to search anything out. So she's frustrated and she pushed it onto you. When really she wants to ask you a terrible question um yeah."

I talk about myself in the third person when I'm nervous.

I think I just realized that. Weird.

"My girl? As in you?"

That's a good clarifying question on his part because technically I'm not anyone's girl. If I was, I probably would be having much-needed sexual intercourse.

"Why are you too scared to search an individual out? To help you with those needs," Nick asks.

"Because of my car accident scars. I don't know how that person will react when I take off my clothes."

"Alice, you're fucking beautiful. It doesn't matter."

"But I know it's gonna hurt my feelings. Because it'll be the first time I've had sex in, well, two years," and I can feel the blush that I have on my cheeks.

I press my palms into my face, trying to hide it even though I know Nick has already seen it. He grabs my hands and pulls them away from my skin, holding them gently in his hands.

"I think I know what question you're gonna ask me, and I want you to ask the question. Please don't run away when I give my answer."

"I can't run away cause I live here."

If he's asking me not to leave, then I already know his answer. And the tears are already gathering in my eyes.

"Don't cry, sunshine. I promise that it's not you, but I'm not the guy to give you what you want. I also want other things. I've just decided to find my long-term partner. This is not going to help me do that."

I understand what he's saying, and he absolutely deserves to find someone who will fulfill his needs for long-term monogamy. I'm not going to stop him from doing that. I shouldn't have even asked for him to help me in the first place.

Now it's going to be hella awkward because he knows that I'm horny. Before I was able to hide it because he didn't know it was happening, but every time he looks at me, all he's going to see is the girl that asked him for sex. And I didn't even have to say it out loud.

He saved me from that.

I'm so freaking embarrassed. What was I thinking? Why did I think asking Nick would be a good idea? Does being horny make me that stupid? It must be because this is so far from who I am as a person.

"Do you want me to leave?" Nick questions me, knowing that I'm spiraling and not sure what to do.

He usually does know what to do but this situation is new for both of us.

"I'm sure you want to leave. I'm stupid."

"Alice, don't. I get it, okay? It's just not something that I can do."

I can see him physically cringing.

I'm just going to crawl into a corner and cry. Maybe that'll solve all my problems.

I wave goodbye to him just as he shuts the door to my apartment, leaving me alone to beat myself up.

I'm literally such an idiot; there's no other way to classify me. I cannot believe that I asked him to have sex with me practically. I have never been this bold in my life. I mean, I used to be bolder than I am now, which caused me to have to be in a car accident, so I guess it's just safer for me to keep myself tucked away.

I ran across the street when I shouldn't have, and that changed the rest of my life. I was bold, thought I would be okay, and made a stupid decision. It was a drunk and rainy night, and I ruined my whole life. That's my fault, no one else's. And now I'm too scared to do anything.

Because of my fear, I know I've isolated myself from people, experiences, and opportunities. I have been invited out to many nights of fun with the Devil's Rose MC members, and logically I know that I will totally fine. They are the last people that I would get hurt around, but the non-logical side of me forbids me to even try.

There have been times when I've given myself a panic attack from getting ready and overthinking what could happen. I ended up spending the night on my kitchen floor rather than having fun with people who invited me out.

Of course, my brother, Major, knows about these moments, but I refuse to let him put his life on hold for me. He doesn't need to lay on my kitchen floor with me when he could be out with Violet and the Devil's Rose MC. He needs to live his life too, and one day, I'll be able to again.

Maybe I shouldn't have started my life again by asking Nick for sex, but I guess at the time, I thought it made sense. I thought he would at least try to understand where I was coming from, and he did, for the most part.

I definitely scared him away from me forever though. Like there's no way that I can ever have the same friendship that I did with him before. That is long gone. He was pretty music the closest relationship that I have beyond my brother in Westmoor and Grove Heights combined. I've fully messed that up, and I have to live with that.

It's what I get for being a total dumbass, to say the least. I could have avoided the subject altogether, pushed the feelings down, and moved on with my life. I don't know why it was at this particular moment in my life, when I felt like I needed someone so bad (sexually and not), that I decided to push away one of the closest people to me.

I have a hard time leaving my home some days. Thank god for the kids that force me out of bed. Working with Hazel has been the best thing for me since my accident. They count on me to be there for them, and it draws me out of my depressive moments.

I have to get out of bed, shower, eat, and show up. If it wasn't for them, I probably wouldn't leave my home to be perfectly honest.

Seeing Nick after my days of work always brought me some sort of joy too, but that's officially over. I can't even look at myself in the face, I don't think he'll be able to look at me either. I don't think I'm ever walking into the bar again.

I would probably cry at the awkwardness of the moment; there's no doubt about that. I've been a sensitive person since birth, the accident and embarrassing the hell out of myself make it worse.

Oh god, I cannot believe I said any of the things I said to Nick.

What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking at all, that's the problem.

I have totally failed myself once again. It's becoming a pattern, and it absolutely needs to stop. I don't know why I'm causing myself such torture. Because now, there is no way that I'm going to be able to sleep, let alone leave my home tomorrow.

Everyone's going to know that I asked Nick about having sex. I wouldn't blame Nick for telling someone because he should have a restraining order against me now. I wouldn't be offended if it was delivered to me tomorrow.

It would make one hundred percent sense cause I'm a full-blown idiot. I don't get why I am like this. I don't have anyone to blame but myself either. The one time I push aside the voice that controls me from doing things I want to do, I should've listened to the voice in the first place.