Rubble: Devil's Rose #12

Chapter 22: Nicholas Frasier

Waking up next to Alice was sort of weird for me this morning. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I don't like waking up next to her. It's because I enjoy it too much.

It's something that I want to do every day for the rest of my life, and I now know that that isn't something that Alice wants too. She thinks this is temporary, just another step toward someone else.

But I want her to want me for the rest of our lives. I want her to want to wake up next to me every fucking day. That fucking breaks my heart. That tears me to shreds.

Shit, I've never fucking felt this way before. I've never been so sad about something lying beside me. I can't even breathe goddamnit.

I feel a stinging in my eyes and figure that that's my cue to get out of bed. The more I dwell on it, the worse I'm going to feel. I have to accept that she doesn't want more than sex. I have to accept that.

Even though I love her with every cell in my body, with every beat of my heart, I have to respect her wishes. I'm not going to force her to do anything that she doesn't want to do, including being in a relationship with me.

Even if it kills me, I support what she wants.

I change into clean and basic clothes before going into the kitchen and making a cup of coffee. I see the clothes of mine that she wore last night lying in the living room and feel the familiar pang in my chest.

Fuck, I'm not going to cry. Absolutely not. I lean my head over my kitchen sink and breathe deeply. My hands clench around the counter, my muscles tensing. Alice usually runs her hand over my back, and the stress is gone.

For so long, I've fucking held it all by myself; she was just my little miracle. She usually can tell, comes out of nowhere, and knows that I need her touch.

But she doesn't do that, not now. She doesn't appear and touch me and kiss me, easing all my burdens.

I already feel myself being disconnected from her; my body can already tell, hardening again. I drown the rest of my coffee, brush my teeth, and grab breakfast for me to eat later.

There's no way that I can get food down now. I write Alice a little note that I went to Devil's Rose headquarters for the weekly morning meeting, and if I'm still gone when she leaves - I'm sort of hoping that I am which is a terrible fucking feeling - she can just shut the door.

No one is going to come into my apartment. My neighbors know who lives here, and we all look out for each other. And anyone who would even think about breaking in probably knows a side of the Devil's Rose MC that should scare them off pretty easily.

The crisp morning air hits me, but it doesn't feel as good as it usually does, and neither does riding my motorcycle.

Fucking hell, Alice.

It's all her goddamn fault. If only she didn't have to be so fucking smart and strong and beautiful. If only she wasn't so perfect I wouldn't be having this problem. If only she wasn't so soft and fit so well in my hands.

If only she didn't melt every worry that I've ever had. If only her heart wasn't so delicate and brave. Nothing in my life would have changed. I would be the same guy that I was before, the guy that didn't have a fucking care about whether she was in love with me or not.

I would just be her friend. I would be friends that always near that she wanted water with ice, someone she could always talk to after work. A friend that would make her feel comfortable regardless of what everyone else thought.

But now, fuck, I want to do all of those things and be totally and irrevocably in love with her. I want her to be in love with me too.

I try to shove the thoughts away as I sit down at the table, playing with a loose quarter in my pocket. To think that it was only last night that I was holding her, this morning really, and I already feel like I've lost her.

"Rubble?" Alpha tries to get my attention, his voice full of concern.

He lays a heavy yet gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Yes?" I answer.

Sadness is thick in my voice.

"Are you doing okay?"

What a fucked up question that is.

"Not really."

"Let's talk later. We will go to my office after this meeting."

It's a command, not a request.

I nod my head, unable to say no, which I don't really want to anyway. I'm not in the headspace to really be of help today. She shouldn't be affecting me this fucking much, it's stupid. The anger brews within me as the meeting goes on as much as I know that it shouldn't.

Major tells small details about our Louisiana trip, and I almost leave when I hear her name. What the fuck is wrong with me?

When the meeting is dismissed, having not said a single word and staring at the table most of the time, I follow behind Alpha, hot tears already gathering in my eyes.

The second he closes the door, I feel them drip down my cheeks, a sob erupting from the depths of my throat. He wraps me up in his arms, holding me in silence until I've calmed down.

"Tell me what's going on."

"Alice Cameran Owens has ruined my life. She's fucking killing me."

"Oh, I see."

"That's all you have to say?! I can't fucking breathe without her, and she doesn't love me, so I'm just stuck trying to find a way to fucking survive. And I can't think and nothing is the same. Shit, I just wanna be with her, but she doesn't fucking love me!"

But Alpha only smiles down at me.

"You really do love her."

"Well, not shit. Thanks for pointing that out to me."

"You can be mad, but don't disrespect me. I'm still your president."

"Shit, sorry. I'm just taking my anger out on you."

"Which is understandable, Rubble. Because you woman you love doesn't love you back."

To hear him say it out loud is horrible.

"Have you communicated how you feel to Alice?"

"I don't really need to. It would only make things worse."

She can never know how much I love her, or the things I would do for her.

"Why?"

"She's communicated what she's felt really clearly. She's not interested in more. And I think me saying anything could ruin what we have."

I'm willing to be whatever she wants from me. As long as I get to be around her.

"And you saying something about your true feelings will harm the friendship between you?"

"I won't do that. I won't risk it."

"Love is about risk, Rubble. You have to make the leap."

"But how can I make the leap when I know that she doesn't feel the same? What good does that do?"

Alpha pauses for a moment, trying to know how to phrase his next sentence.

"I don't think it's really about whether or not she reciprocates. I think having your relationship go on, on the base of a lie, isn't the way to go."

"It's not a lie," I argue to which I get the 'are you stupid' expression from Alpha.

"How about an untruth? I just think it's wrong to feel something for Alice, especially for something so big, and hide it from her. Because she can't make an informed decision about how she wants your relationship to go. Love can make us selfish. Make sure it makes you selfless."

I close my eyes and wipe away the last standing tears.

Shit, why does he have to be right? Why can't he be bad at giving advice? Because telling her is the last thing that I want to do, but I have to. I have to communicate with her so that we aren't telling each other untruths about whatever our relationship may come out to be.

Fuck.