It'll all be okay 🖤

chapter 2: the little girl

TW: PHYSICAL ABUSE, VERBAL ABUSE AND PANIC ATTACKS, MENTIONS OF DV

Siobhan felt her breathing quicken. She was stuck. She physically couldn't move and this was only making the situation worse. "Siobhan i will NOT repeat myself. i said GET UP NOW!!" His voice was echoing through her body. She could feel the tears forming. Her heart rate was increasing rapidly and she knew what was happening. She refused to let it happen in front of him.

The first time Siobhan had a panic attack she was 11. She had been woken up to the sound of her parents arguing. She could hear plates and glasses smashing all throughout the kitchen. The sound was deafening. She lay in bed on her side, not daring to move. It was about midnight, she was meant to be asleep. If her parents knew she was awake they wouldn't hesitate to remind her she should be sleeping. Her mother was screaming, begging him to stop. He was getting louder and louder. Siobhan felt her heart rate getting faster, she was shaking, she could feel tears stinging her eyes. The room was suddenly getting very small. Siobhan was scared. She had no idea what was happening. All she could do was rock herself in an attempt to self-soothe, she had no one to help her through this, except for herself. She felt like she couldn't breathe, like her heart was stuck in her throat, blocking it. She put her hands over her ears and started repeating the words quietly to herself "it'll all be okay, it'll all be okay". All Siobhan wanted right now was her Grandma. But she wasn't going to get that. Instead she took her mind off to a memory of the two of them. It was them making a cake for Siobhan's 8th birthday. It was a chocolate cake with pink icing, just as Siobhan had requested. Her parents had seemingly forgotten that it was a special day... however her grandma had not. She never failed to make Siobhan feel like the luckiest girl in the world. This soon became a comfort memory when a panic attack occurred.

He was shouting. But she could no longer hear his words. Her body was taking her mind away to her safe place. She had no control over this. It was a trauma response for Siobhan. She knew he was getting angrier. But she had lost control of her body. She was doomed.

A hand suddenly grabbed her wrist, snapping Siobhan out of the daze she was in. Whilst Roger was a very controlling and manipulative man, he very rarely got physically abusive with Siobhan. He didn't want her to have bruises on her body that could raise questions with others. This was new. Siobhan was scared.

She slowly looked up into his eyes seeing nothing but pure rage. His face was flushed red and he was shaking. What has she done. Siobhan knew she'd made a big mistake.

"Siobhan I will not ask you again." His voice was filled with venom. He'd lowered his voice but this only happened when his anger was at its peak. Siobhan got herself to her feet. She quickly grabbed her phone popping it in her pocket as Roger dragged her to his car. It'll all be okay, It'll all be okay

He opened the car door and threw her in before slamming it shut and making his way around to the drivers side. Siobhan kept her eyes down, refusing to look in Roger's direction. The car ride was silent. No one spoke. No one dared to make a noise. The radio had been turned off. The only noise was the sound of the cars around them. It'll all be okay, It'll all be okay.

The car suddenly stopped. Siobhan looked up slowly. They'd made it home. She was scared. She desperately wished to be the little girl wrapped up in her Grandma's arms. She shut her eyes tight remembering what it felt like to be held. How it felt to feel safe. It'll all be okay, It'll all be okay.

Was it going to be okay though?