It'll all be okay 🖤

chapter 5: the box

TW: DV, MENTIONS OF ABUSE AND BULLYING (there is only a very small mention)

Siobhan sat on the edge of the bed. The tears were still streaming down her face. She tried so desperately to pull herself together but the sobs wouldn't stop.

Siobhan was confused. What box was Lottie talking about? Her grandma had passed away 13 years ago, and not once had she come across a box. What did she mean she hopes it helps her heal? Siobhan had many questions circling in her mind and she was becoming overwhelmed. She got up off the bed, and walked down the stairs to get herself some water.

As she swirled the water in the cup, Siobhan studied the whirlpool it was making, she was watching how it spun around the glass and created a funnel, sucking anything at the surface down. This is how she felt on a daily basis being stuck under Roger's control. She was on the surface of the water, and Roger was swirling the cup, causing her to get trapped in the funnel and be sucked down to the bottom. Siobhan was drowning.

Siobhan sat on the sofa for hours, she was completely lost in thought. She was trying desperately to remember a box. Siobhan was left essentially alone to clean out Lottie's house after her passing; could she have missed it? Then it hit her.

There was a day where Siobhan couldn't bring herself to get out of bed. The grief had left her unable to get up. She was stuck. Her parents had never wanted to help Siobhan pack away Lottie's things, so she didn't think anything of it. However as Siobhan thought back, she had noticed there were a couple of pieces of jewellery missing. Siobhan thought maybe Lottie had brought them to the hospital when she got sick and they got lost there. She now started to wonder if her parents had gone and rummaged through the house taking things, probably to sell. Had they found the box?

Siobhan suddenly felt a wave of anger wash over her. She felt the lump forming in her throat. As she stood up from the sofa, she grabbed her keys and rushed out to her car. Siobhan couldn't think straight, all she could see was red. She had never felt so angry in her life. She needed to calm down.

As Siobhan sat in the car, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She thought of Lottie. She thought of her holding her close.

Siobhan had come home from school one day to find a woman, who she didn't know, kissing her father. She stopped dead in her tracks before quickly turning around and running out the front door, not stopping until she reached her grandmas house. Lottie looked at Siobhan with worry. She had never seen her darling girl so angry, but she knew better then to push and ask what had happened. So she held her close. Siobhan screamed and thrashed. The sobs were excruciating, Lottie had never heard someone in so much pain. For Siobhan it wasn't just about what she saw her father doing, it was everything leading up to it. The bullying. The abuse at home. The loneliness. It had all come to a head. Siobhan had lost control. However, she remembered vividly how it felt to be held in that moment. The pieces of her were falling apart and Lottie was desperately trying to hold them all together. She was keeping Siobhan grounded. She was keeping her safe. She was the glue holding her together. It'll all be okay.

As Siobhan got her breathing under control, she held onto the feeling of Lottie's arms around her as she started the car and made the journey to her parent's house. She drove in silence, allowing the memories of Lottie to fill her mind. Siobhan was on autopilot and just hoped she'd get across town in one piece.

As she turned onto the street she grew up on, she saw kids playing outside. Some were riding on their bikes. There was a small group having a picnic together. Others were just running around laughing. Siobhan felt a pang of jealousy hit her. This is what she desperately craved growing up. Instead she was forced to stay inside and watch from her bedroom window. Her parents refused to give Siobhan any freedom, not even to play with her dolls in the front garden. Siobhan was destined to be trapped from the moment she was brought into this world; and she was unable to break the cycle. She was still trapped.

As Siobhan pulled into the driveway, the memories of her childhood hit her like a truck. She was suddenly very overwhelmed and wondered if this was a good idea. She noticed that her parent's cars weren't here. Siobhan knew where the spare key was kept. As she made her way to the front door, she felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest. It'll all be okay

As Siobhan turned the key and opened the door, she was left speechless. The house was completely empty. All that was left was an old table in the hallway and a raggedy chair in the living room. But what caught Siobhan's eye the most, was the little brown box, wrapped in sticky tape, that sat on the table. As Siobhan walked over to it, her heart dropped.

Written on top in marker, in Lotties handwriting, "inside the mind of my darling girl".