From Dreams to Nightmares

Chapter 21

Octavia's perspective

  The days were passing like centuries lately, maybe at least for me, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't do anything. I was inhuman, I was everything and nothing, I was pain and torture. I would give anything for her to mean nothing to me anymore, to be able to look into her eyes and not have my heart skip a beat every time. To not care when I see her happy or sad. But all I want is to tear my hair out.  She was wrong not me, she is the one who was wrong in front of me! Why am I the one who feels so awful?  Why don't the tears dry on my face night after night?  I just want to get over, I just want to get over the fact that I imagined she had feelings for me too.

I can't understand how I was so stupid to think that if she was so willing to offer herself to me that night, she wouldn't have been willing to offer herself to anyone else. It's a pain to realize that she didn't want my touch, she just wanted to be touched, she didn't want my love, she just wanted to be loved. Maybe that's why the world judges her, calling her a bad person. She plays with people, plays with their feelings. But still I was hoping, hoping that under all the whispers and rumors about all the people she destroyed, I could have put an end to this behavior of hers. For me, no matter how cold and evil she is, she is an ideal person for me. She is a being who combines strength and beauty with weakness and sadness. It is a continuous war.

And yet despite everything she did to me. I still can't offend her. I can't fault her. For unwittingly she has captivated my heart, and I will not receive it whole again. But still why can't I hate her? Why can't I erase her from my mind?

"For the thousandth time my dear, eat something too, I can't keep looking at you like that. You've been staring out the window for days. Arron is asking about you, I think it's time to get up." My aunt's sweet voice sounds weak. She didn't know how to approach me without getting angry either. I just don't feel capable of anything. And this window haunts me every time I try to close my eyes, every time dreaming how she pushes me and I fall into the void. Because of her, I can't even trust myself anymore. I have never felt this way. Even the beatings or criticisms of my family were not so intense. They didn't tear me apart like the disappointment of the ideal I created for myself. "Is it normal to hurt like this?" My question took her by surprise. She didn't expect me to ask her for advice. I actually think it's the first time I've done it. I didn't even know my aunt very well until I moved in with her. I've never known what it's like to have a family that supports you unconditionally. For as long as I've known myself, I've faced disappointment, hurt, and more. I've always wanted to know how it is to be put first.  She sits down next to me and pulls me into her arms. And without wanting to. All the sadness and pain manifested itself in crying.

"And if I told you that it's normal to hurt like that, would you feel better? Or do you stop loving just so you don't feel that way again?" his voice was low, as if he wanted to convince me that what he was saying was really good. But it didn't make me feel any better. "Happiness is a scary thing dear, once you feel it you live in fear of losing it. Because for the first time you have something to lose." The tears didn't stop streaming down my face but she didn't want to break the hug either. "It breaks my heart when I hear you cry knowing that you are a broken piece of me, you don't deserve to suffer like I did! You deserve the best. And I'll make sure you get all the best. Trust me!" I lift my head and look into her eyes, often when I look at her I feel like I'm looking in a mirror. Maybe that's why I find solace in her arms, because when I look at her I see myself.

 

"I hope you're right! And I don't even realize how, but you managed to make your way into my heart and you have no idea how much I've come to care about you. You created a home for me, and I owe you for it!" I tell her and pull her back into my arms. She gets up and opens the door to the room. Arron enters as usual with a smile on his face and when he saw me his smile widened. My aunt leaves us alone by closing the door to the room and my friend makes himself comfortable next to me on the bed.

"You look like a panda, all black in the eyes from crying. You look funny!" I roll my eyes and he ruffles my hair. "You are a fool to cry for her. There are so many girls who would be dying to give them even a shred of attention." I swallow and Arron hands me a pack of wet wipes to wipe my eyes. "What do you want me to do?" I ask him and he laughs as if I asked the most idiotic question possible. "What do you mean what to do? You're going to show that girl what it means to turn you down. Make her go crazy, want to tear her hair out when you walk past her like she's not even there." he was talking casually while looking for a movie on the TV as if everything was so easy. "Easier said than done!"

"Tomorrow you will go back to high school, and you will see that if you do like me everything will be excellent! You have to learn to play people better than her, and I'm going to teach you that!"

My attention is stolen by the beeping of the phone. Arron looks at me and I shrug. I raise my phone screen to meet the most shocking message. And of all the people, from this person I did not expect...

   Alex: I miss you babe, I am coming for you!

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