𝐒𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐌𝐄

entry no.4

25th August 2009

I wanna kms. Gunil's friend is so... He seems like he knows too much!!! And it's driving me insane. As if he exactly knew about my disordered brain.

Maybe Gunil told him... No, that would be such a backstabbing move. Because I vividly told him to not tell anyone about my struggles.

I don't need anyone's pity or anything. Went through it way too often before, it's really just making me uncomfortable.

But Jooyeon instantly understood. Either he's like me. Or he's just good at picking up signals. Or both. Or none. Maybe he's out of this planet and can feel my discomfort haha.

I'm so hungry. To be honest, I miss eating. I miss the feeling of chewing the food and feeling full. But I despise feeling full.

I hate feeling bloated, my body suddenly feels so disgusting and heavy. And it makes me gain weight. So no, I wont eat again.

I'm scared of being hungry. That's why I usually avoid being at Gunil's. He has a functional family, his mom cares for him. She wants him to eat.

So whenever I'm at his place, I'm automatically part of her "Eat!" agenda. It's always so hard to restrain myself.

I'm glad I could somehow change the topic when I talked to Jooyeon before. I thought I can convince him that I'm fine by acting happy and bubbly.

Then Gunil blew my cover. But I'm honest, I wouldn't have been able to keep up the "mentally-stable" facade for too long anyway.

Anyways, my second year in Film School will start next week. I'm so excited tbh because it will be all about making a movie. And we'll film one on our own as the whole class.

We are 22 people and I don't know how I managed to do that but I got the main role. It's kinda deep because it's about a boy with a dark past that was found dead on the streets. And the movie is basically a flashback on how that happened.

Some are responsible for the script, some are responsible for the filming, some for the light, some for the editing and shit.

I think the part that excites me the most is the fact that it will be released in cinemas, too. Because the film school is cooperating with a famous agency for movies. I'LL BE SEEN IN CINEMA SCREENS!!

But that also leaves me anxious. What if I wont act good enough and people will hate on me. Like I mean it's been just one year where I learned how to act.

But we'll see. I hope everything will go good. I mean the boy I'll have to portray has a dark past due to being raped by his best friend. I believe I just have to act like I would in real life and it will be realistic.