𝐒𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐌𝐄

entry no.8

18th September 2009

Dear diary,

I can't bring myself to talk to Jooyeon. Don't know how, but he's suddenly so intimidating. Especially because he keeps appearing in my dreams ever since then.

And now I know why he appeared in my dream as an angel. But how did my subconsciousness know that he wasn't human? Am I seeing his true form in my dreams?

It feels too real, we're always at the same place, too. And somehow it's always in a forrest, at a ruin of an old fortress.

He wants us to rebuild it, because then I'd reach inner peace. Apparently. I quote "The stones on the ground are the hardest to carry, but it gets easier the more we build."

I don't know if it's just the creative part in my brain, but I believe that the fortress is a metaphor, signifying my wellbeing.

Jooyeon knows that I'm broken, hence the broken fortress. And wanting to rebuild it must mean that he wants to fix me. Of course, he's my guardian angel.

Is Jooyeon controlling my dreams? It's getting scary. I tried staying awake, I'm scared to sleep and see him again. But then I got hungry. And I'd rather sleep than eat.

He's also apologising there, saying that it never meant to go the way it went. That he wasn't able to save me before, but he would do everything to keep me from destroying myself even further.

The stones on the ground. They're my heaviest issues. My trauma, my disorder, my flaws and imperfections. I have to find a way to get over it, only then I can get better. And finish building the fortress with him.

Well... I think the fortress looks pretty like that. It gives the forrest around it such an eerie vibe, I love it.

I binged today. For the first time in so many years. I tried eating again, so I sinned and ate too much.

It made me so happy to eat the sweets I put away in my drawer but was it worth the few seconds of dopamine? Nope.

I've ruined my body, I'm so bloated right now and I can't even force my body to purge right now. It simply doesn't work.

So I tried to exercise the calories away, but I fainted midst workout. I hate myself. Why am I so fucking weak?

I'll definitely not eat for the next days. To lose all the weight I just gained. Yeah, sounds like a plan. Because that's just disgusting. I'm a pig.

No way someone would love me with that bloated belly. Or my jiggly arms. Or my fat thighs. Though I'm proud of my thigh gap, not gonna lie.

At the clinic so many people told me that I'm so body goals because my body is so small even though I'm so tall.

"Bonespo" is what they call it. Because my ribcage used to be my most prominent feature.

I'm missing that time. Everytime I look into the mirror, I lift my shirt and raise my arms very high to get that pic of my ribcage peeking out again.

Yet here I am, stuck with a bmi 16 body. It used to be 12. Sigh...