𝐒𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐌𝐄

entry no.7

12th September 2009

So. Many. Weird. Things. Two topics:

One - Jooyeon and Seungmin are fucking angels???? What the fuck ???

They talked about it with Gunil while I was "asleep". I guess I really was asleep for some minutes but I woke up when they started talking about that.

And I've never been more confused. How is that possible? They are human, no? Maybe I dreamt that, too?

Or the lack of nutritions is making me hallucinate. Or it is true. Or they pranked me.

Two - Jooyeon stayed over last night and we talked about my ED. A lot.

He didn't understand why I do this to myself. But there is no why. I just do.

Then he asked me if I fear food more than I love life. And I'm honest, I'm not suicidal, but if one wanted me to eat a whole plate of a full meal, I'd rather die.

My mom is always so sad whenever I don't finish the food she makes. She's a good cook, dad always makes sure to tell her that.

I know she wants me to try what she cooked, she wants me to tell her that her cooking is amazing, too. But sorry, mom, I can't.

Maybe one day, but definitely not now. I am not ready to recover, I'm even scared of it.

Returning to the point that Jooyeon is an angel?? Whatever that is supposed to mean??

I can not imagine any background on why they would say that. Was it that fun to lie?

How could that even be true? There's only humans in this world, no?

But it would somehow make sense... There is something about Jooyeon that gives me off-vibes.

That's what I said in the beginning, as well. Him being an angel would confirm my unwell feelings about him.

And how he directly knew what was wrong with me... Is he my guardian angel?

I didn't get to ask him about it. How am I even supposed to confront him about it?

But yeah doesn't matter now.

About film school. We started the filming of the movie.

They finished the script (which is actually such a short time, I believe they worked on it in the summer holidays, too..) and oh. my. god.

My character's name is Junhyeong (Wondering how they thought of that, hmmm...) and I'm a high-schooler.

We filmed the beginning and final scenes, the ones where Junhyeong is dead on the streets. Because the movie starts that way and ends that way.

The student responsible for the camera pointed out that I looked like an actual skeleton. This shouldn't have made me happy.

But the process was funny. The teachers hired a professional sfx makeup stylist to enhance my looks a little.

They painted bruises and stab wounds on me, just the way Junhyeong would've looked like.

His character fell in love with the girl of someone who was in a turf gang. And the girl fell in love with him, too but her boyfriend found out and ambushed him.

The very last scenes I had to limp down a dark alley, before collapsing without any words. And I was praised for my performance a lot.

Even the make up artists said that I have a bright acting future ahead of me. Well, that would be amazing.

I just love Junhyeong, I feel like I can partially relate to him. Feeling repulsed by physical touch due to rape in the past, yet feeling the need to be loved.

I'm planning on working on a mind map to summarize my character. So I can get to know him better. That's essential in order to act realistically.

Because you can't act like someone if you don't know them.

I believe that's why people never believe me when I say that I'm fine. Because I don't know how to act fine.