𝐒𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐌𝐄

entry no.6

7th September 2009

I swear I saw my coach yesterday again. Call me crazy but it was literally him.

"Hyeongjun, you can't compare any middle-aged male foreigner to your coach-" Well, yes I can and I fucking will.

The same blonde hair, the same moustache, the same green eyes, the same build, the same style...

Gunil had to pull me aside and calm me down though I really can not recall panicking THAT bad. Apparently I did, though.

And people have the audacity to tell me that I should've recovered by now, as it all ended four years ago. I wish I could burn every single person that said this.

Trauma will guide one till death. I will never recover, I know. I'll always start to panic when I see a man that's similar to him.

I'll always panic when someone touches me without me knowing that they will.

The time I tried to force myself to have sex was interesting. I was mentally ill, okay! And I needed to prove myself that I'm okay (Spoiler alert: I'm not).

Okay but I was seventeen and in denial. But I believe doing it in the clinic with an insane man wasn't the best thing to do.

Didn't care that I bled, managed to beat me up because I didn't come. I wasn't even hard. Probably because I was busy to hold back a panic attack.

The way he fucked me reminded me of my nine year old self, feeling like I was ripped apart, I can't even describe the pain.

At least he was put in an isolation room right after, because a nurse came walking inside while I tried writhing away, but he choked me to keep me in place... Crazy story, right?

Oh damn, I kinda miss my clinic eras. I was batshit crazy in these, on the verge of running away just for the police to find my dead body in a river after a few weeks.

But I was also happy somehow? Gunil and I did so much shit together. Sneaking out just to go swimming in a lake was one of the things we loved to do.

There's a cliff like half an hour away from the city clinic. Gunil and I always walked there and jumped down into the lake.

I felt so free in these nights. It was so much fun, I even learned how to do a proper backflip, though it cost me many many backflops.

It was always so funny to lie to the wards about why my back was red. Though I know they didn't believe me. Or does 'I slipped' sound realistic?

Anyway, Gunil will come over later. And I think he'll bring Seungmin and Jooyeon, too. Sigh.

I mean they're cool but I feel like they're hiding something from me. As if all three of them know something I don't.