Jah (XXXTENTACION fanfic)

10

Kali POV

We had gone to Tampa

We had gone to Orlando

We were just leaving Jacksonville.

We have a show in Lauderhill tomorrow, and it takes 5 hours to get there, so we're gonna drive there and crash in a hotel somewhere.

We drive and drive.... On and on. I eventually get stuck in my head. Thoughts of Jahseh flood into my head. I'm pretty used to thinking about him 24/7, but this time it's different. This time in nervous, and scared. What if I bump into him. What if Jarad calls him up to come and open for him or something. Shit I really need some pills right now.

I go to the main room if the bus and find Jarad and Ally chillin.

"Hey, I'm feeling like I wanna get high a little early!" I say, trying so sound hyped up. Jarad looks excited, telling me all about his new order of Lean he just got. But ally sighs and reminds us that the venue does drug testing . Luckily they don't search nun, as long as your not high when you go up stage, it's nun they business. So I go back to my bunk, out my Beats and blast Jahsehs music.

I don't really know why. It calms me knowing that some of these songs are dedicated to me. Hopefully. I try not to focus too much on the ones that are confirmed to be about other hoes.

Even though '17' was made for Geneva, I still listen. It shows me the side of Jah that I could really relate to. The shit he talks about in the album is what he beat niggas up for in juvie cuz they made fun of me. I never knew he cut his wrists... it makes me remorseful that I missed those parts of Jahsehs life. The part where he was like me. The start of his music career, his first show, his first 1 million stream song. I missed all of it because I was too pussy to go back and see him.

Ski had always asked me why I never went back to Jah. To Lauderhill. For a long time i didn't know the answer. I told him that famous rapper Juice WRLD had reached out and wanted to do a collab. I told him that I went to Chicago to record, and ended up falling in love with the city, even tho Chicago is a shit hole. But all that was a lie I made myself believe.

It look me a year and a half to realise that shit wasn't true. The real reason I ran away from Florida is cuz I couldn't face the fact that I didn't fight back against my parents. They said we were moving so I did. And yeah, it hurt when jah just drive for hours and came back with only a couple hours before I left. It hurt to know that he almost caught me cutting.

But what hurst the most was knowing that he was only 5 hours away. All I had to do was take a couple busses and I'd be with him. Easy. We called a couple times after I moved, but after a while the calls got more and more spaced apart, until they became non existent. It was neither of our fault, it just became awkward.

He never visited me either. Even after I dropped my new song which was so clearly made for him... nothing. No calls, no visits. Even the first verse was a cry for him to come hold me, just one more time.

Oh oh oh (x3)
(Verse 1)

Where did all the time go
I miss the way you hold me
I miss the god damn old me
I miss the way you kiss
I miss the way you threw your fist
At any nigga who brought tears
To my eyes, it's always been my fear
That your touch would one day disappear

(Chorus)

Nigga please, it wasn't my fault
You took my heart and put it in your vault
I never got a chance to tell you that I love you...
But I love you.
God said, I fucking love you.