Jah (XXXTENTACION fanfic)

22

TW: self harm

Jahseh POV

after Kali did my hair, the moments that followed were some of the best I'd had in a while. Everything was perfect. And the best part was my head was completely silent.

When we went back downstairs, Stoke looked at me like I was fucking insane. Without breaking eye contact, he picked up his phone and video called Jarad.

And Jarad had pretty much the same reaction. At this point I don't even know if ppl like it or not.

Ally hopped on camera, and she said it looked great. Then Kali rushed over and took the phone from Stoke, catching up with Ally.

I jokingly rolled me eyes at stoke, and went into the kitchen to get a drink.

'Hey, Jah?' Stoke says, kinda nervously. 'I got a date tonight and uh... I was just wondering how you gonna be alone in the house wit Kali?'

'Oh uh... ya know, I think I'll be fine. Yeah. We'll be fine' I say, not fully believing myself, but forcing myself to move forward.

So the day goes by, and the calming fog in my mind slowly lifts. Within 2 hours of Stoke being gone, my head was spinning.

I had no idea what it was saying. But I know none of it was directed towards Kali. It was towards me.

Your worthless

Your ugly

You'll never amount to anything

You. Deserve. To. Bleed.

The last one really stung. My past has always been tough, and I won't lie and say I've never hurt myself. I still have scars all up my arms. Kali never questions it, cuz she got the same. 

We both know what we went thru, and we both know better than to bring it up and trigger things.

But I also won't lie and say I haven't been thinking about doing it again lately. When I used to do stuff in prison, and when Kali was in Jacksonville, I had so much stuff in my head I could barely breathe. But having a blade to my skin temporarily made things better.

And now my mind is worse than before. I need a distraction.

So, when stoke left for his date, Kali called Ally in her own phone, and when in IG live.

I then went upstairs to my room, and sat in the bathroom, licking the door.

I opened my bottom drawer, and took out my old blade. It's been a while....

I wince, for the 7th time in a row. Once my arm was almost completely red, I decided that was enough. I wiped all the blood off, and placed the blade back in the drawer.

Now the guilt sets in. Ya know? The feeling of shame, and the knowledge that those scars will follow you for life. Even if they fade...

I shake my head, trying to focus on the hiding process. I quietly leave the bathroom and grab one of my Revenge hoodies. I put it on, wincing again at the feeling of fabric against wound.

I slowly start to notice the lack of noise. I'm finally alone with my own thoughts. The pain makes everything else quiet. Thank god.

I casually walk downstairs, putting on an invisible mask. Kali can never know. She doesn't need the burden.

I find her sitting in the lounge, still in IG live with Ally. I come up behind her and place my hands on her waist.

She doesn't even tense up. I'm so proud of her. No matter what i do, this girl will always trust me. I kiss her cheek slightly, and ally shouts through the phone

'HI JAH!!! JARAD SAYS REPLY TO HIS TEXT!!!' She laughs, clearly high asf. I laugh back slightly, and whisper in Kali ear

'Shawty, I got some pre rolls on top of the fridge, jsut to get yo on ally level'

She nods, smiles and kisses me, deeply. I immediately melt into the kiss and kiss her back. After a good couple mins, ally clears her throat, and I pull away, smiling.

I sit with the phone while Kali gets the weed, and look through the comments.

'Y'all... my DMs always open but don't be hittin me up to flirt, I'm clealy boo'd up, if ya can't tell.' I chuckle, reading a comment saying 'how y'all meet'

'Oh that's a long story, but basically, I was on ma way to juvie, and I met this boy, y'all know him as Ski Mask The motherfucking Slump God, but we know him as Stokely Pokely.' I laugh at that last part.

'Anyway, I layed my eyes on the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen on that very bus that took us there. From then on it's jsut been me and her, we jsut feel out of contact for a while, personal shit, ya know. But now we back, and she my wifey. So y'all hoes gotta back up'

Kali walks back in the room, 2 joints in her hand. She goes off camera slightly, to light them, and the take hits.

After a while, I start to see one of 2 ppl joint the live wit the wrong energy, sayin my hair looks bad now. I know it ain't look that good but damn... at least I ain't in my green hair faze.

As time goes on, more haters be joining. Normally, I wouldn't let it get to me, but after the day I've had, my defences are low, and now ma self esteem be low asf.

After about 20 mins of reading hate comment after hate comment, I decide to leave the room. I kiss Kali goodbye, and don't even bother to say bye to ally.

I go back upstairs, and again go tkt he bathroom. I just keep seeing one particular comment in my head

'You a ugly ass nigga😂'

I start to get angry. Or sad. Or both. I'm not sure, I'll I know is I'm not okay.

I glare at myself in the mirror. Then suddenly I find myself with a razor in my hands, half an eyebrow already off.

A/N: right YALL, imma start to do authors notes at the end of chapters now.

I honestly had no idea this was gonna get over 300 reads. I know that isn't much, but for my first ever attempt at a WattPad book, I'm pretty proud of myself.

So yeah, I've got some things planned, but I'm really kinda bored wit this story now. It jsut ain't going anywhere, no matter how much I try,

Y'all finna need to give me some ideas

Anyway, VOTE BITCHES!!!!!

Y'all I jsut looked back like a day later and now it's at 405 reads? HOW the fuck!?

I dead ass started this as a joke , not expecting it to get any reads at all, but here we are💅🏽