Hidden shadows [Milex/mclennon]

We Are One

I Live dreaming in your eyes
I already want to see you grow up
I want to hug against my chest
Giving you all my love with all my being
Hearing you breathe
To touch your hands
Always by your side taking care of you
Because I will never leave you....

Crying Paul continues to sing the versus, feeling the cold piano keys against his finger tips. Singing a song that he had wrote 22 years ago, writing music was always his passion, instead of a diary he wrote his thoughts and feelings in song. This was no different, when he found out about his pregnancy he began writing a song for his baby.

I will always watch over your dreams
We'll get through this together
For my misfortune, you will not pay
I don't want you to fill yourself with my fears
Because it's true, it still hurts me...
Your seed I will never forget

In the 9 months of his pregnancy, locked in the house, music was his salvation. Playing the guitar ( well when his stomach wasn't in the way)  and piano was his therapy. Paul has written so many songs throughout his music career but this song will always be dear to his heart, til this day no song can compare to "we are one", whenever  he felt the loss and the melancholy he begins to sing the song or when he would have his fights with John... for some reason always made him miss his baby so he would sing it when no one was around because it wasn't meant for no one else, he had planned on singing it to him every night for bed but singing it to himself was the only way he felt close to his baby.

You and I are one for eternity
You are the reflection of all my truth
I will fight for you everyday
When we look at each other
There will be no more loneliness
Our hearts will march on together
Because from the bad something good will come

When singing this song he would close his eyes and picture his baby, trying so hard to paint a face in his head. Who would he have he looked like? Paul? John? Or a mixture of both? What color eyes?  his hazel or John's chocolate eyes? What color hair? Black or auburn?

I just want you to know how I feel
Because you are my treasure,
the greatest thing I have
The good in my life embodies in us both
I don't care about the rest
As long as I'm looking into your eyes.

If he would have kept his baby, would have he been a good mom? Would Ja- Miles be happy?
Would he have given Miles everything he needed?

Sighing Paul slowly closes the piano lid, there he goes again thinking about the would'ves and should'ves. Linda would have scowled him for the millionth time.

Feeling his phone ringing in his pocket he takes it out, speaking of the devil "Linda" blares in the light of his phone. " Hello"

" Finally! Paul you said you would call as soon as your meeting with John would finish."

Rubbing his hand over his face with frustration in thinking about his meeting with John, how badly it went, can't believe after so many years John is as stubborn as ever. Paul apologized, " Right, I'm sorry Lin. Had a lot on my mind that's all."

" I guess he didn't take the news rather calmly."

Chuckling sarcastically, " If you mean not looking at me like I've gone completely mental, cursing at me and not really letting me speak. Spewing one insult after another, then no he did not take the news calmly but at the same time I can't blame him Lin, I had to put myself in his shoes to keep me from throwing my drink at him. We've hurt each other plenty of times and again I've hurt him. It's just frustrating when he wouldn't even let me explain and just assumed things which made things so much worse. Thats part of the reason why our relationship fell apart."

"I'm sorry Paul, I'm sorry you guys didn't make it but I can tell you still love him don't you? Despite his flaws I know you see past them. After all he was your first love and the father of your child, a bond like that isn't easily forgotten."

Linda knows him too well, of course he loves John, never stopped. She admires Paul's ability to see past betrayals and forgive because if it was her,  no matter how much she loves a person theirs only so much she would be able to take. If she was Paul she would have crossed the line not so much on the cheating because yes it's not something to be proud of or swept under a rug but a relationship could survive and be rebuilt but how can a relationship survive with drugs wedge inbetween with your lover high out of his mind, Paul begged John to get sober with him it was destroying them from the inside out, trying to get better while the love of your life got worse right under your nose, despite that Paul stayed anyways. How could he leave him when he needed him the most, divorce wasn't easy.

Things were already falling apart in John and Cynthia's marriage. The custody and marital battle was not pretty and somewhere in Paul's mind justifying the drugs to a coping mechanism, at least it was the easy answer and motive to stay.

The lack of presence in Cynthia and Julian's life was not something she can justify, especially for Julian's part John knew the kind of impact an absent father has on a child yet he stayed away.

" Does he know who his child is at least? Did he let you even get to that?"

" As soon as I said his name John froze Lin, like his brain malfunctioned for a couple of seconds, I think he knows who he is, didn't get the chance to ask because after he came too he got up and left, without a word."

" Same old John."

" I mea-" door bell rings. " Hold on Lin someone's at the door, I'll call you later."

Paul wasn't expecting anyone, especially at 8 at night, opening the door he suddenly stumbles backwards trying to keep his balance as someone attaches themselves to his body and their  lips on his. Struggling to break the kiss he tries to get a good look at the perpetrator. "John."

Forcefully trying to capture Paul's lips again, " Paulie, don't talk please. The least you can do is give me this don't you think." Guiding Paul to the couch, stumbling himself due to the alcohol in his system, roughly lays him down.

"John, no."

Ignoring Paul's protest he continues to kiss Paul's neck.

"John this isn't right you're pissed drunk."struggling to contain his moans Paul bites down on his lower lip.

" How many times have you done what's right Paul?" Whispering tauntingly in Paul's ear.

Shivering Paul gives in and simply closes his eyes, embracing all the kisses and intimate touches. When it comes to John, he can never win, ever since day one of their story. That's maybe the reason why he got pregnant not even a year into knowing John. He never learns.