I Hate Him. {Gustholomule}

Chapter 18

Not me projecting my feelings into the characters instead of opening up to people..  no way 🤡

I really didn't want this chapter to end up as angst.. but.. this or nothing, pick your poison. 😣

ALSO, VERY OOC WILLOW 😬

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Matt's P.O.V

I look up at the odd looking house infront of me. How did I let Gus convince me to come here? Like, I'm actually going to die! I'm gonna die, oh my titan, holy shit. They don't like me, what was I thinking?

"Hey, are you okay?" Gus asked, placing a hand on my arm. I'm pulled out of my thoughts as he says that, looking to face him with wide eyes.

"Uhm, yeah, I guess." I reply as I kick a stone on the ground infront of me. "Let's just go in."

"Okay.. if you say so." Gus says skeptically, taking the hand and leading me inside.

"Look who I found!" Amity yells in a sing-songy voice as the three of us enter the house. I kick off my shoes and move them a bit with my foot.

"Hey, love! What are they doing here?" Luz asks, running up to Amity and hugging her. I look up at them, I feel.. a sense of.. emptiness at the sight? Why do I feel this way? I have Gus, I feel happy, right? Right...?

"We're sleeping over!" Gus says, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me closer to him. I look up and manage to create a small smile. Luz nods, stepping over to the side so we can get past.

"Oh, seriously Amity?" Willow scoffs. I look over at her as I sit down on the opposite side of the sofa, Gus sitting beside me. Why is she still at this? Why can't she give it up? Did I seriously do something that wrong? "You trust him enough to let him sleep over?"

"Yes, of course, why wouldn't I?" Amity answers, giving her a confused look. "Whats your problem with him anyway, what has he done to you?" I look over at Amity, smiling a bit at the gesture.

"He's friends with Boscha! The person who bullied me for years?" Willow exclaimed, balling her hand into a fist beside her and pointing at me with her other. Why is any of that relevant though? I'm not Boscha, I myself have never done anything to her, why does she hate me so much? I honestly don't get it. The feeling of emptiness gets stronger, consuming my muscles and making it harder to keep myself upright.

"Are you forgetting that I was friends with Boscha, Willow? I myself bullied you, and you forgave me easier than this. He hasn't done anything to you, you have no right to be this mean." Amity sighs, collapsing into the couch. Thank you! Thank you Amity! The weight in my chest lightens a bit.

"You know the saying, people are who they hang out with? AND, besides, your a outlier, you proved yourself to me in the mindscapes, he hasn't done anything of the sort. He's-" Willow says before getting cut off.

"Okay, seriously?" I exclaim as I stand up. "Amitys right, I haven't done jack shit to you, why are you acting like this? You do realize Gus can have other friends right?" I look over at her, her face visibly startled.

"I-" She starts.

"Also, stop acting like you know everything about me, you really don't. I am not like Boshca, and the way you think I would be is sickening. Besides, you really think that I chose to be like this? You really think I chose to go through everything I went through? If I could change everything about me, I would. But I can't. You have no idea about me, so for the love of titan, please stop acting like you do. You have no idea how I feel. Also, I get that you don't like me, and thats fine, but stop making such a big deal about it, yeah? It makes you look like a real asshole. And your the one framing me to be one? Get the fuck over yourself." I take a sharp inhale after I finish talking. Willow is looking up at me with wide eyes, and I look around at everyone else to see them wearing basically the same expression. I reach up to touch my face, tears. Of course. I stumble backwards, only to be caught by Gus, who was standing behind me with a concerned expression.

Oh. No. I fucked up. No. No. No. NO. Nonono, why did I do that? I'm so stupid. Now they know how I feel, what will Gus think? What if he sees me differently? Oh, titan..

I can hear muffled talking around me before I get pulled out of the room and up a flight of stairs into another room.

"Matt? What was that back there? Are you alright?" Gus asks, pushing a stray strand of hair out of my face. "Matt, please answer me. I'm worried about you."

"I- You- oh my titan.." I mumble, the feeling of emptiness coming back full force, like a heavy weight on my chest. How could I feel so alone with such a kind soul? I'm such a terrible person.

"Matt, please, just talk to me." He pleaded, grabbing my hands and holding them in his. "I won't see you any differently if you open up." Sure you won't, that's what they all say, don't they? I wouldn't know though, I've never tried.

I look up at his eyes, staring intently back into mine. I take a couple shaky breaths before finally speaking, "I.. don't know." I mutter. "I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?" Gus asks, his voice sounding more concerned than it had before. I hate seeing him like this, he's almost crying at the sight of me. How pathetic of me, I couldn't of just stayed quiet. Now look what I've done. "Matt, please, just tell me. I know something isn't right. Is it Bria? Is it me? Your parents? Boscha? Willow? Just tell me, please! You can trust me, Matt, please." He pleaded. He looked seconds away from breaking down in tears.

I just want to dissappear, I can't stand seeing Gus like this, it's not fair. He doesn't deserve to bear the burden of my feelings. If he never got close to me, he never would've had to see me like this, and I would never see him like that. More proof that everyone would be better off without me.

"Matt, just talk! Talk to me! I can take it, please! I hate seeing you like this! I have to know what's wrong so I can help you!" He pleaded, gripping tighter on my hands. "Please!"

"Gus.. you don't have to do that.. everything fine." I say, trying to pry myself out of his grasp, which in return only made him told me tighter.

"No, I do! I love you, Matt, I feel obligated to help you! Because if I can't help the people I love, whats what's point? So please, just tell me, what's wrong. And don't say nothing, it's clearly nothing." He was full on sobbing through his words now.

What the fuck have I done?

"Oh my titan, Gus, you don't need to do anything. please don't cry.. Oh my titan, Gus why are you crying?" I ask, trying to break free from his grip again, and failing, once again.

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it." He sniffs. "But please, just tell me what's wrong with you, that's all I ask."

"But-"

"Please!" He exclaimed.

"Okay! You really want to know? If I tell you, will you please stop crying? I hate seeing you like this!" I sigh, looking down at the floor for a second before looking back up into his eyes. They were glossy and his cheeks were stained by tears.

"Yes! That's literally all I'm asking of you! I hate seeing you suffer in silence, and I'm not going to let it slide any longer!"

"I.. alright." I said shakily, raking in a sharp breath before speaking. "There's a lot to unpack here.. you know? I just, don't know where to start.." I stepped back, pulling my hands out out his grasp. Surprisingly, he let go this time. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub behind me.

"That's fine, take your time, I'm not going anywhere." Gus said, sitting sitting on the floor infront of me in a crisscross-applesauce position.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Cliffhanger 🤯

This is your daily reminder to put the phone down, and go to sleep. And if it's the middle of the day, go get some water and a snack ❤🙏

-Em<3