I Hate Him. {Gustholomule}

Chapter 19

I have good ideas for another Gustholomule story, so I gotta thug the rest of this one out  (idk what I'm doing atp but wtv!! 😼😼)

Matt's P.O.V

Oh fuck, why did I even agree to talking to him? How can I express what I feel I words to him when I cant even think coherent thoughts about it? Im just a lost cause, I don't know why he's still even trying with me. But.. he's just, sitting there. Looking up at me, wide eyed. His face still red and stained with tears. He's patting his hands on the floor in a rhythmic pattern, making almost a song.

Fuck, I'm such an awful person, just, look at him. What am I even doing? What do I do? What do I say? No, honestly, what do I say?

*CRASH*

"What the-" I start.

"GUSSSSSSSSS! CAN YOU UH.. COME HERE FOR A SECOND? PLEASE???" Luz yelled from downstairs. I sigh, looking down at Gus.

"I- WHY?" He yells back. He promised he wouldn't leave me, I guess that's why he's hesitant to go?

"UHH, ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN.. JUST PLEASE COME DOWN FOR A SECOND!!" Luz replied.

"You should go." I mutter. "Sounds urgent."

"But.." He replies, looking up at me, expression laced with concern. Fuck, I hate pity. I probably look like such an attention seeker to him right now, don't I?

"Just, go. I'll be okay." I say, smiling slightly as I wave him off. He gives me a skeptical nod before slowly making his way off the tiled floor and out the door into the hallway.

I sigh as the door closes behind him standing up from my spot on the bathtub. I turn so I can face the sink and mirror. My face is red and blotchy, my hair was all messed up, my eyes were almost the same colour as my skin. To put it simply, I looked like a trainwreck.

Fuck.

I quickly splashed cold water onto my face. And I did it again. And again. But, you could still tell that I had been crying. What the fuck.

I groaned as I toweled off my face and hair before sitting down in the bathtub. I leaned my head back onto the wall as I stared at the ceiling.

The weight on my chest started getting heavier.

Fuck. No. No. No. Go away. It's not happening again.

I can feel tears forming in my eyes. I don't even know why. I cover my eyes with my hands, trying my best to stop the tears from falling.

I'm so pathetic, what am I even doing.

Gus should just give up on me, he deserves someone better than me. I'd be better off alone.

He would be better off without me.

Everyone would be better off without me.

Fuck, even my dad doesn't love me for who I am. He's homophobic, for fucks sake. Ive been lying to him this whole time.

All I do is lie.

That's all I'm good at.

Now, who are we kidding, I'm not even good at that.

I'm not good at anything.

I'm a dissapointment, I wish I could just dissappear.

Everyone sees me a failure.

I'm going to end up just like my mother.

Fuck, I already am so much like her. Why don't I just do what she did? Just get up and fucking remove herself from everyone's lives? Titan knows where she is now. Probably dead, knowing her.

Being dead doesn't sound so bad though.

I sigh as I remove my hands from my face, which were now slightly damp. Fucking pathetic.

*KNOCK*
*KNOCK*
*KNOCK*

Gus enters the room, wearing a different shirt than before. He's smiling, until he looks at me, his face immediately falls slightly.

See? he'd be better off without me. Look what I've done. This is all my fault, just because I can't control my stupid emotions.

"What was that about?" I manage to say as Gus closes the door behind him and sits on the edge of the bathtub.

"It's not important." He sighed, "But, why are you crying again? Did something happen while I was gone?"

"Uhm.. it's nothing." I reply, staring down at my hands, which were shaking slightly. "I'm fine, really. I think.. I think I should just go.." I muttered, trying to stand up in the tub, failing as Gus pushed me back in.

"Nuh uh, I'm not letting you leave that easily." He huffed, "Why don't you want to talk to me? I won't judge you, I promise." He pleads, looking down at me with sad eyes.

"I.. because.. because.." I muttered, taking a deep breath. "Because I'm just like my mother."

Gus's jaw dropped. He waited a few seconds before speaking again, "I.. what makes you say that? You aren't anything like her!"

"No, but I am. You don't get it? I lie to almost everyone who trusts me, who cares. Did you hear what Willow said about me? And everything I've ever done to you has caused you pain, or made you cry, or I made you stand up for me. Which isn't fair, because you care so much about me. But what do I give you in return? Nothing." I said, sitting up straight in the tub, my fists clenched into fists at my sides. I'm staring down at my lap, avoiding Gus's gaze.

"I- no!" He exclaimed, "Matt, are you even listening to yourself right now?" He said as I looked up at him. His eyes were wide and he was making large hand gestures. "I know it may not seem like it to you, but you do so much for me, so don't put yourself down like that!"

"But.. I really don't.." I mutter as I rub the back of my neck.

"Okay, that's it." Gus snaps. He stands up and steps into the bathtub, he then kneels down, straddling my legs. What the hell is he doing..? He grabs my face, holding it in his hands.

"W-what?" I ask in a small voice. My face redding a slight bit as I look up at him.

Uhm.. I'm so confused?

"You need to stop thinking so badly about yourself Matty." He sighs, pushing a loose strand of hair out of my face before gently kissing my forehead. "You aren't like your mother, you aren't like Boscha, you aren't like Bria, you are just you, Matt. So please, stop degrading yourself, your worth so much more to other people than you realize."

I just sit there, staring up at Gus in awe. I have no idea how I got so lucky to have deserved this guy. But here I am. And I have no idea what to say.

"And even if it doesn't mean much, I'm proud of you for opening up a bit today, I can tell your not big on telling others about your problems." He smiled at me, grabbing my hand and squeezing it three times.

I look down at our hands, then back up at Guss face. "I love you..." I mutter. He nods in response, still smiling down at me.

I pull Gus into a hug, dragging him down into the tub so that he's basically laying ontop of me.

"I- okay?" He laughs, hugging me back. We lay there for a bit I silence, him playing with my hair, until I believe eventually both fall asleep..

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ngl, this chapter was kinda shitty and not worth the 2 week or smth wait.. I'm so sorry abt that guys!! Burnouts a bitch.

Fortunately, I know exactly how I want the next chapter to go, so that will be out sooner rather than later !!

Also, if I did like TOH oneshots on the side, would yall read? Lmk, I want to do it but I won't if yall aren't interested 😼

GET TO SLEEP. RN.

-Em <3