Broken Innocence

15. Crimson tear

Tw: mention of self harm and blood in this chapter, please skip if you feel uncomfortable. A/N at the bottom, love you all xx

...

Autumn Knight wasn't as innocent as everyone thought. As much as she tried to be perfect, the standards were impossible.

Despite being the somewhat 'favourite' child of her father's, she still didn't get a free pass from Roger's wrath.

Truthfully, Roger despised his son for who he was. He was kind, thoughtful. Yet he had a dangerous side to him when it came to protecting the ones he loved and Roger knew that. He was in a way what he wanted to be as a child.

Autumn kept quiet and polite on the outside, despite her thoughts firing blades within. Nothing could stop the torture in her mind.

Medicine heals physical pain, plasters can stop the blood from running, but what can heal something that isn't really there? It's just in your head. Yet it's what hurts the most.

Autumn didn't know how to control it and she didn't know how to stop it. She needed control. She needed a way to feel the pain physically before it turned her totally crazy.

She didn't mean to do it, it was an accident. It was late at night and she was struggling to breathe, getting worked up about what's in her mind.

The voices just got louder and louder and she couldn't take it any more. Yet, after she snagged her arm on a nail in her windowsill it seemed to stop for just a moment. Just a slight moment.

The brunette looked down at her arm as the single tear of crimson dribbled down her pale skin. One moment and it all stopped.

It didn't hurt, not a lot. But the sensation of the small pinch she felt seemed to calm the pain in her head.

Is this the way out? Is causing pain in the body a way to stop the pain in the head?

It may seem strange or weird or stupid and maybe she should have just gone to bed, but something called to her that night. And before she knew it the blade was in her hand.

It didn't take much. You don't need a lot of pressure. Just a small push and a slide and the thoughts flow on out in a deep red liquid.

Of course after all is done, and she's sat on the bathroom floor. Alone again in her mind with the dried up red painting her skin. That's when the guilt sets in.
How could she possibly do this?
To her self?
It's selfish. It's bad. It's wrong.
Reece wouldn't want this.
Mia wouldn't want this.
Why couldn't she just talk to someone?
Why couldn't she just be normal?
Why did she have to feel this at all?

...

My skin cries a single tear,
The words I cannot speak
The thoughts deep inside that I fear.
I need an escape,
From this torture inside.
But there's nowhere to go
You cannot run.
You cannot hide.

They'll haunt you through the day,
But at night, they love to play.
For alone in that dark room,
It's so much harder to fight.
You say it's all in my head.
"It's okay" "it's not real"
But I need some control
Over this pain that I can feel.
To distract me from the truth
Something you cannot see,
I'm not strong enough.
Will these thoughts be the death of me?

I understand this may be hard,
But please at least try.
Just listen to my words,
So you can understand why.
I don't want to hurt you,
But this has to be said.
For by the time you read this,
My skin will be painted in a deep red.

...

A/N
Hello my loves, short and sad chapter for you here and I am so sorry.

Unfortunately this is something alot of people deal with. Please know that you are not alone. I know it's easier said than done, but if you or someone you know does need help please never be afraid to reach out. You are never a burden.

Sometimes it's hard to reach out to the ones around you, but there are so many places and phone lines you can turn to. If it helps, my instagram is in my bio on my page if you do want that listening ear, (not a professional, just been through it)

I love you all, look after yourself and stay safe.
Xoxo-Imogen