The Secrets We Keep

The Forty-First Chapter

Hayden

When Nathan texts me later that day to tell me he wants to know if he can still come over, I tell him to park his car on the curb and that I'll meet him there. 

It scares me how good I've become at sneaking in and out and I realize that Christopher was right about me. I know this is wrong. My parents want me to stay at home at night for a reason. And yet I'm so scared that they're going to say no about Nathan coming over or me going out that I haven't told them because it's easier to beg for forgiveness when you didn't disobey a strict instruction. 

I walk over in the night to where Nathan's parked his car. I open the car door and get in and he turns to me but before he can open his mouth, I put a finger up to silence him. 

"You were a dick to my brother today and I want you to apologize to him," I say even though I'm still mad at Damien myself. "You had no right to goad him like that and I want to know what happened with him and Amelia because apparently both you and Grace saw them fighting."

Nathan raises his hand to take my finger away from his lips. "I didn't goad him," he defends but when I go to open my door, he reaches out with his arm to shut it again. "Ok, ok. I'm sorry. And about the cheating thing..."

"Honestly, I'm disappointed but I'm not mad. But Nathan, how many more times am I going to have to ask you for honesty? Can you just do me a favor and write me a list of all of the shitty things you've done. I'm getting a little irritated with all of these truth bombs going off when I least expect them." 

"Do you seriously want a list or are you just joking?" He asks and when I stare at him blankly he starts his engine. "What? I'm genuinely asking."

"You saying that makes me feel like you've done something really, really bad," I tell him and then, "Where are you taking me?" As he starts down the road. 

"My place, if that's ok. My parents are out and I figure that's a private place to break things down for you." 

As we drive past all the brightly lit restaurants still going, I suddenly regret leaving Christopher's place so soon, although I don't know how much work we would've got done. It seemed like his dad wanted to take him out of town for something. I bite my lip as we stop at a streetlight. Between Christopher's dad's words about me being 'lower-class' and my own brother's about how I'm not the kind of girl these people marry, I'm feeling a little insecure. 

I turn to look at Nathan who's gently drumming his fingers in time with the music softly playing from the stereo. "What do you want from me?" I ask just as the light turns green. 

Nathan looks at me in confusion as he pulls off again. "What do you mean?"

"Like us, this relationship," I say and swirl my finger around our shoulders. "Is this a serious relationship or are we just hanging out?"

"Are we even in a relationship? Sometimes I think I keep ruining any chance of us getting anywhere," he says, and even though his words are trying for funny, I can hear an undercurrent of truth in them. At least I'm not the only insecure party here. He chances a quick glance at my unimpressed expression before watching the road again. He sighs. "I would really like this to be a relationship. And it's very serious to me."

"Define serious," I say and cross my arms over my chest. 

I watch his brow crease as he thinks. "I don't know how to put it. All I know is that I've known you for such a little amount of time and sometimes all I can think about is how I'm going to fit myself around your life. I keep thinking about where you're going to school next year and what you're going to study. I want to know which city you've always wanted to live in and what you want to do as a career."