The Secrets We Keep

The Forty-Fourth Chapter

Christopher

"Damien," I call as I see him exit one of his classes the next day. He turns in the sea of people and when he sees it's me calling him, he keeps on walking. 

"Fuck sake," I say as I push through the crowd to talk to him. "Hey, can you slow down? I want to talk to you." 

He does so but mostly because I've raised my voice and a few people have turned to look at us because of the fact. 

"What?" He asks and he can barely look me in the eye. His jaw is clenched as my feet come to a standstill. 

"About Monday, I'm sorry," I grit out. Apologizing is hard enough, never mind when the person you're trying to say sorry to can barely give you the time of day. "When I wanted to talk, I never wanted you to feel like we were blaming you for anything."

Damien looks up then and his eyes search mine for a second before he shakes his head. 

"Whatever, Wallace." He tugs his bag further on his shoulders but before he can turn back around, I grip his arm. 

"No, you don't get it. I'm sorry," I say, and try as I might, my voice comes out unsteady. "Not just because of that day but because of all of it. You're right about me and I'm sorry about the stuff I put you through."

The words he shouted at Hayden the other day flood back to me. I don't want to be that guy anymore. I don't want to make people feel like they don't belong or like they're inferior, especially since that's all I've ever felt. 

"If I accept your apology, will you let me go?" Damien asks and I sigh and drop my hand. I shake my head, already regretting having this conversation when he suddenly speaks again. "Was it you?" His eyes are skeptical as he looks me over.

"Was what me?" I ask, feeling drained. The Andrews siblings have a habit of making normal conversations difficult. 

"The letter? The one in my locker?"

I'm more than a little annoyed by his earlier rebuff so I just raise my eyebrows. "I have no idea what you're talking about," I say. 

"Whatever," he says then, and as he speaks, I see his hand dip down to his pocket like that's where he's keeping the letter. 

If I were Hayden, I'd probably stay here until I got to the bottom of his cagey behavior, and why he thinks I wrote a letter I know nothing about. But I'm not Hayden, and so after the silence becomes uncomfortable, I leave him alone. 

-

Sometimes I wish they canceled school in its entirety. Wasn't there a case once where a student died and an entire year passed without writing their exams? I wish that was the case with this school and that I could be getting ready to leave by now, setting off somewhere far, far away from this town and my father. But as I take off my fencing gear, my arms sore from exertion, I take a moment to look out the large windows that look out onto the lake. 

This school is beautiful. With that crisp water stretching out for miles, it almost seems peaceful. But the tragedy that's struck the school has left a sour taste in my mouth. 

"Christopher, are you alright? I ended the lesson five minutes ago," the instructor says as he finds me still standing by the window. I look around and see all of the other students have deserted, leaving their gear in a messy pile on one of the benches. 

"Sorry," I say numbly and start throwing my things down. I grab my duffel bag and I don't know what possesses me to do what I do, but I find myself going toward the cafeteria instead of following the path outside to the parking lot.