The Secrets We Keep

The Forty-Seventh Chapter

Hayden

Damien Andrews. Damien Andrews. Damien Andrews. 

Milk. White bread. Eggs. Orange juice. Muesli. Bananas. Baking chocolate. 

I stare at the words on the list until my eyes blur and my hands shake. If it weren't for the top few words, this list would almost look exactly like the one Nathan had seen in my room a few days ago. 

I try and think back to that day. I remembered him teasing me about it, asking if it were a love letter from another guy. And then afterward, when my mom asked me if I had added my things to the grocery list, I hadn't found it and had had to make a new one. 

I hadn't thought too much about losing it then. I'm always losing things: hair ties, notes, lists. But why the hell does Nathan have it?

I feel my breath whoosh out of me as I analyze the 'o' in orange juice. Most people start it at the top and that is where the line connecting the circle ends. But my brother has always written words a certain way, a little back to front since he's left-handed. And as I look at this piece of paper more and more, it's almost like Nathan was using this to mimic his handwriting. But why would he do that?

I straighten up as I tuck the paper into the pocket of my denim jacket. The only thing I can think of is my dad saying that Damien had left the note and that he knew it was him because of the handwriting. 

I swallow thickly as I start backing out of the room. This can't be right. Nathan couldn't have done something like this, something so fucked up, but that piece of paper is like a hot poker burning into my skin. 

I start taking down the stairs two at a time. My steps are noisy and as I hit the landing to the second floor, I hear Nathan call out to me from the music room. 

"Hayden, are you ready to go?" I can hear movement in there like he's putting things away. 

"No," I say quickly and then wince when I hear the sound of my voice. I squeeze my eyes shut, willing it to sound normal. "You've done so much today, I think I'll just get an Uber," I say, digging around in my other pocket for my phone. I check it, shit, the battery is low. By the time I look up, I see Nathan closing the door behind him. 

He looks confused as he finds me standing stiffly on the staircase. "I don't mind driving you back."

"Please don't," I blurt before I can think through my words. "I mean, it's late. I don't want you having to drive back because it will be... even later..." I say, too shocked by my new discovery that I can barely form a proper sentence.

Every time he takes a step closer, I take another one down the stairs. He puts his hands on the railing, looking down at me like I've suddenly grown two heads. 

"Why are you acting so weird right now?" He asks, walking toward the stairs. "Did something happen..." He trails off as he watches me turn back around so that my front is to him as I continue down the stairs. 

"Nothing's wrong," I say, sticking back my hand into the pocket with the note. I can still feel it, the rough texture of the paper brushes against my fingertips as my legs take the next step. "I just feel like I've overstayed my welcome and that I should go."

"Hayden, you're my girlfriend, I want you here. And if you're going home, I want to make sure you get home safe. I don't get why you're acting so fucking weird right now."

His voice raises and it sends my brain into fight or flight mode. "I'm not acting weird," I defend, feeling fucking relieved when I hit the bottom step. "I'm just having a really bad day and I want to be alone." 

"Fine," he says, still walking toward me. I continue backing away, using my peripheral vision to make sure I don't bump into any of the furniture. But the only problem is that the few times I've been here, he's taken me through the garage and now I'm not sure where his front door is or if it's open. "Go, call me when you're done acting skittish." If my brain wasn't reeling right now, I would be offended by his words. But as it is, I'm just so grateful when he stops following me that all I can do is turn around and start heading for the entrance. 

My fingers are just brushing the handle of the door when Nathan speaks again. 

"You dropped something," he says and I look over my shoulder to see him by the foot of the steps, bending as I did in his bedroom to pick up the same piece of paper.  My mouth falls open as my hand digs into my pocket, but it's empty now. In my rush to get to the door, it must have fallen out. 

Nathan's head moves up slowly and I know the moment he's read the paper and he knows that I know. He takes one more step toward me and that's all the sign I need. 

With an energy I didn't know I had, I rip open the door and start running down the steps of his house. I don't have to turn around to know that he's following closely behind, the sound of his feet hitting the stone steps is the only signal I need. 

Once I jump over the last step, my feet skid against the gravel and even though I almost stumble over my own feet, I'm able to right myself quick enough to break out into a run. 

My gaze narrows in on his wrought iron gate. I don't have the remote for it but it has enough of a pattern that I'm sure I can get a footing in it and climb over it. 

I do just that as I barely stop before slamming into it. I'm panting as I fist my hands over the bars, jumping so my foot can step onto an iron grapevine. It curves just enough that it can take the weight of my foot. But before I've even raised my body to step onto the next one I see, I feel arms on my legs. 

"No, let me go!" I scream as my one leg comes off the gate, it causes my whole body to shift and my hands start sliding down the bars. 

I can feel Nathan's hands claw higher up my legs and he holds me in such a way that I have no chance of kicking out at his body. 

"Why the fuck are you running?" He demands, his breath coming out in pants as his one arm reaches up to grab my lower hanging arm. I try to hold onto the bar but he's able to claw at my hands until it's too painful to hold on. And then with only one hand clenched on the bars, he's able to pull me away. 

"Let me go!" I shout again, struggling and twisting in his hold. I manage to elbow him in the ribs. He lets out a pained sound and his arms slacken just enough for me to push him away. I fall to the ground, and my palms feel bloody as they meet the sharp stones but I don't waste a minute and get back up.

Knowing the gate is useless, I try to run again but this time in the other direction. There has to be another way out, a guard house. Something. Anything. But as I pick up speed again, I can feel him gaining on me again. Before I can even pass the house again, I feel him collide with my back. 

I hit the ground hard and feel the gravel cut into my cheeks as I struggle to get out of his hold again but then his hand is in my hair and I feel him pull me back by it. 

I gasp in pain and my hands rise up to try and stop him, to get him to break the hold but he's fisted both his hands into the tangled mess. 

"I don't want to hurt you Hayden but if you don't stop struggling I'm going to have to."

I haven't felt this powerless since I confronted Johnson. But back then, we were at school and even if I hadn't been able to subdue him, I probably still would've been able to scream for help. 

But even though I know there's no one here and that I'm just wasting my breath, I still scream at the top of my lungs. 

"Help! Somebody help me!" 

I hear Nathan curse and then drop my hair to bring his hand around my mouth. At least like this, he's closer to me and I reach up with my nails to try and get at his eyes. But he sees what I'm about to do a mile away and with him dragging me by my hair, we're close enough to the steps that all he has to do is push at my face with the hand not covering my mouth and slam my head against the steps.