I chewed on the tip of my pen, my eyes narrowing as my gaze drifted from the page I was doing mathematics on to a picture of me, Fan, Lightbulb, and Paintbrush, the edges charred a bit from the fire. I rested my head in the cradle of my arms, staring at it in a tired ponder. How did I even end up on this show? Was it the promise of the million being dangled over my head? Or maybe it was the promise of finally socializing. I shook my head. I didn't need to socialize! Although I had made some decent friends here... Ah, whatever. I--
Pop!
I coughed as a splatter of ink suddenly covered my mouth, my glasses, and the page under my cheek. Aw, shoot! I broke my pen.
I lazily got up from my (now ruined) calculations and spat the ink out into my safety sink. I ran some water under my glasses and grabbed a shot glass from the cabinet above, filling it under the water and swishing it around in my mouth and spitting it out to rinse the bitter taste.
I walked back to my desk, crumpling the contaminated paper and tossing it in the trash, along with the broken pen. My teeth ached from my grinding them. Hey, doing math is a stressful thing!
I collapsed back in my chair and glanced once more at the picture. A small ink splatter covered my right eye and leaked down the glass. Interesting. Some kind of foreboding, perhaps? I laughed at my own silly thought. My smile fell a bit when I realized I wasn't really joking.
"Oh, I'm not one for superstition," I sighed aloud, wishing I hadn't read Fan's theories on folklore and fallacy. "I'm a woman of science! Shame on me for even considering."
I got up and began to pace the room, abandoning the calculations entirely. My mind began to wonder. Fan and Knife, Lightbulb and Paintbrush, Cheesy and Trophy... Why hadn't I felt anything like that? Why hadn't I found my partner yet? Everyone around me living and loving. It felt as of the universe only threw this competition my way to taunt me that I still was as single as I had been in highschool. An act of cruelty sent by the divine ones themselves to laugh at my loneliness. I eventually collapsed on Fan's bean bag and simply stared up at the ceiling. My mind was blank for once. I tried to rack my brain for reasons why I was so unlovable, why I hurt people. I wanted to fix it. The ticking of the clock pulled me back to earth and I looked up at the time. 3:42 AM. I should get to bed, shouldn't I?
I fell asleep that night thinking of love. I fell asleep that night wondering why when I thought of it it only came up to be a blank slate.
Is something broken?
Is my mind broken?
Am I...
broken?
hey lads, sorry ive been absent. writing block is such an ass, amirite? ill try to write more. promise!
-4ever yours or whatever, rayy
