Luceo Non Uro || Outlander

Chapter 34

Marsali

The baby was past due, and yet he refused to move. My worry grew with each day that he did not make his arrival. Fergus did not once ask about it. He seemed to have lost all sense of time at his still, or care for his child that would be arriving shortly one way or another. The thought of something going wrong was especially haunting. Before, I could have entrusted the children to Fergus, but he was a shell of his former self. He was no husband, and no father. Without his help, Germain had begun lashing out and hitting his sisters. I could not always be there to stop him.

"Och, quiet Germain or I'll smack yer bottom so ye'll not sit on the saddle!" During these visits, Claire demanded rest, and peace, but I found the opposite in my home. 

"Malva, would you mind taking the children outside again for a bit?"

"Sorry. I'm at my wits end with him." I knew Claire was against spanking, and I never would out of respect for her, but the threat was usually the only thing to quiet Germain during his outbursts. 

"Where's Fergus? Shouldn't he be helping you?"

"Oh aye, believe me. Fergus is their first mate." Between the four of them I was being run ragged. What would a fifth child do to me?

"Is everything alright between the two of you? I noticed some more bruising."

"Och, I fell is all, chasing after Germain, of course." This was the truth, at least. Fergus had acted like he was scared to touch me ever since he grabbed my wrist that one time.

"And you've had not spotting, or bleeding?" she asked, returning conversation to the bairn.

"No, none. But my head aches most days, and my feet feel as heavy as lead."

"I have noticed some slight swelling in your ankles."

"What does that mean?"

"It's probably nothing, but I do think you should come up to the Big House so I can keep a closer eye on you. Marsali, I have to ask, for the sake of the baby. Where did those bruises come from, did Fergus hurt you? It's no secret he's been drinking more than usual lately."

"It wasnae his fault. He did grab my arm, only because I went after him. I am cursed with my mother's temper and it got the better of me."

"So he was defending himself?"

"I was just so tired of him... being gone... being drunk." I was just tired of him. I had felt like a widow for weeks. I had grieved, I had pleaded with God, bargained for the soul of my husband, but he was lost to me as if he had been killed.

"If only we can get to the bottom of what's troubling."

"I ken what's troubling him. He's ashamed. He's taken a notion he should have been here to defend us when that bastard..."

"That wasn't his fault," she seemed surprised. I could tell this thought had never crossed her mind. What else had she thought driven Fergus to the drink?

"I've said that time and time again, how could it be his fault when he wasna there? But he willna hear it. He thinks I should have never been there working. Look at me going to pieces, sorry. It was nothing compared to what happened to you. Sorry, I didn't mean to upset ye."

"No, it's just, I have a headache coming on is all," she blinked back tears and left to allow me time to dress. 

I did take Claire up on her offer to stay at the Big House until the bairn arrived. The children and I shared the guest bedroom. Maliciously, I wondered how long it would take Fergus to notice I was gone. By evening, he had not yet come looking for us so I figured he was at his beloved still.

It was during supper, after a strange demonstration of magic by Brianna, that I felt the most excruciating pain of my life. The sharp, stabbing pains were nothing like the dull pain that accompanied the previous bairn's arrival. 

"Lord almighty," I exclaimed, rising from the table. There was no relief. The pain wracked my body. Brianna, Daddy, and Claire were quick to rise from the table, but nobody seemed to know what to do. "Something feels wrong. Claire, something feels different than before."

"Here, help me get her to the surgery," she said to Brianna. 

Brianna's hands clasped mine, "You're going to be okay, you're going to be fine," although her shaking voice only made me more worried.

"Your first three were easy, sometimes baby gets into a wrong position," Claire and Brianna half-carried me to the surgery.

"I dinna want to die," I fell into Jamie's arms as another wave of pain coursed through me.

"I've got you, Marsali, nobody's dying. Unless I wring Fergus' neck," he muttered. Claire shot him an angered look. "Where is he?"

I had the same question.

Hours later, the bairn was no closer to coming than it was during supper. The contractions had stopped, but the pain lingered. I felt my body grow tired, but I knew we had a long fight ahead to bring this bairn into the world. I heard Daddy and Claire talking about Fergus in the next room. I did not care what they said. He had failed me. He was not here when I needed him most. He thought that had been when Lionel attacked the Big House, but it was now. I could not do this without him.