Luceo Non Uro || Outlander

Chapter 24

Fergus

We were all anxious to hear if the maggots had done their duty. Milady's silence was troubling. She had not even put up much of a fight about Roger and Ian moving Milord to his bedroom. And that was most worrying of all. She had run out of options. We had only to wait and let the infection run its course.

I kept busy, overseeing the butchering of the buffalo sprawled out in front of the Big House. It was a massive beast, but not entirely unlike a cow. Marsali made quick work of guiding the butchers. I prepared the meat for storage as it was stripped from the bone. This one beast would feed us all throughout the winter. Ian listed the other uses for its bones, hide, and horns as well.

As the day wore on, I had attempted to see Milord, but that damn Roger would not let me in the room. He said Milord was tired. I only wanted to sit with him. Even if he were on death's door, I would remain by his side. 

I tried to turn my irritation into productivity. I made the rounds through mine, Brianna's, and finally Milord's home with the processed meat. Claire would appreciate its addition to her cellars. The sacks of salted meat were heavy, but I welcomed the weight across my back. I would carry more if it meant seeing the women in my life provided for. The meat hit the small table in Claire's kitchen with a heavy thud. Its legs shook and strained under the weight.

I felt rather than saw Ian lurking just outside of the door. "What is it?"

"Nothing."

"Oh, you are a terrible liar." He had been cagey all evening. Since his return from the Mohawk, he had been stubbornly stoic. But this evening, he was being over-friendly towards me. But not in the way of the adoring younger brother he had once been before his time with the Mohawk.

"We were just talking about you is all, Roger and I. We were saying it would be a shame if you had left Marsali and walked all the way here to see Uncle Jamie, because he's tired."

"But I did walk all the way here to see him, and I did leave Marsali so... I'll go see him quickly." 

"I think he's resting. Maybe wait until later." Damn him.

"What is it? Where is he?" I shot Ian a warning look. 

"Auntie Claire thinks she might have to amputate if..."

"If it gets worse. Why don't you want me to see him? You don't think I can take it?" I asked, challenging him.

"No, I ken you can, but I'm not so sure about him. He's stubborn. he doesna want to lose his leg. He's acting like it's the worst possible thing that can happen to a man and... well, I didna want you to be upset." As he spilled the secrets he and Roger had been hiding, I remembered the day Milord had saved my life when the Redcoats took my hand. I had resigned myself to death,  but once the worst was over, and Milord came to check on me, I said the only lie I had ever told him.

"In one stroke, he is going to be a man of leisure."

"What?"

"It's what I told him when it happened to me, that I would depend upon him, and he would be there for me. It was our agreement if I lost an ear or hand in his service." Ian was studying me with a curious look. "I was teasing him.

"Man of leisure eh? Can't wait to hear what Marsali has to say about that."

"Oh, I'm sure she'll have plenty to say. She's seen what it's like to live with me." In truth, I had never asked her for help. I never asked for help lacing my boots, or cleaning the place where my hand should be in the sweltering Carolina heat. She just did. It was one of the thousands of reasons I loved her. "Marsali and I try not to think about what we lack, but about what we have. You and I have a father and an uncle. We should be there for him when he needs us. It is all we can do."

"Yer very wise, Fergus."

"I know," I said with a smirk. Young Ian still had much to learn.

Ian allowed me to pass through the house to Milord's bedroom. Claire stepped out with a worried backwards glance. "Don't worry. I will take care of him," I reassured her."

"Fergus?" Milord asked. He had grown gaunt, and weaker than when I had last seen him. I sat at the chair next to his bed. "Fergus I..."

"Hush, save your strength. I'll do the talking." I placed a hand on his forearm. It was cold and clammy. When I last held his arm, it was hot with fever. "I don't think I ever thanked you. You have given me everything... a father, a home, a life that a man like me could have only ever dreamed of."

"Fergus--"

"I spoke to Ian. He told me... and I want you to know that it's okay. It's okay if that is not what you want, to live as half a man. When I lost my hand, I wished that Redcoats blade had pierced my heart instead. I wish I were a stronger man, but that is the truth of it. I would not wish this life on anyone."

"You... are a whole man, mon fils. I am so proud of the man you have become," he wheezed. I could no longer look at him. I watched the movement of my own fingers clenching around his.

"Aye. I'll believe you," I finally said, my voice cracking. A tear slid down Milord's cheek. I wiped it away with my sleeve. "Dinna fash. I will see you tomorrow."

"Fergus?" Claire peered around the doorway.

I nodded at her and stepped away from the bedside. She laid a hand on his brow, and checked his eyes. He was still breathing, but slowly. I could hear a whimper forming in her throat. This was no longer the place for me. They needed each other, just as I knew I would need only Marsali by my side should the day ever come I was ready to meet my maker.

Walking away was the most difficult thing I had ever done. I still had so much to learn from him. I still needed him. Without thinking, I allowed my feet to carry me to the still. It was the only comfort I could find now.