US - Harry Styles

Chapter 1

Tilda.

"Have you listened to it yet?" she whispered next to me as we were sat on my apartment couch watching the same movie we watch every time we are together because we can never decide on a new movie. I can tell by the way she asked that she was being careful, careful to not overstep, careful to not upset me. 

"Listened to what?" I ask nonchalantly, I knew what my best friend Mila was talking about, I knew exactly what she was referring to but I was so close to moving on. She turned her body to face me more as if to say, she has had enough of me ignoring what was going on around me. 

"you know exactly what I am talking about Tills" Tills.. The name she had called me since we met in high school, but also the name he called me. I used to love it but now I hate it because it reminds me of him, but I cant ask her to stop referring to me like that, she used it first. i sighed and flew my head onto the back of the couch and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. 

"I'm not ready" i whisper, hoping now that she would move on, but she grabbed my hand and sighed, i should of known better that Mila wasn't going to give up this time. 

"It has been a month since he released the album, I don't think someone can ever be ready for something like this, but you need to listen to it" she squeezed my hand in comfort, i was glad i had Mila, she was always so good at the whole comfort thing, i'm so glad i had her when he left. I sighed again then looked over so we made eye contact, was i really going to do this, i'm so close to moving on and this is just going to rehash everything that i have tried so hard to move on from. Mila stood up and grabbed the remote and turned the TV to Spotify and searched the album. Harrys House. She then clicked on the first song. 

As It Was. As the song poured on I didn't really feel much about it. Until he got to the chorus. "In this world, it's just us, You know it's not the same as it was". He always used to say that, but he was right nothing is the same and it will never be the same, and I did know that. It hurt a little to hear him admitting that for himself. 

We listened to grape juice, cinema, daylight and a few more. I hate to admit but they were good, not good, lovely and great. He is so talented and these song's made me so proud of him and that in itself made me upset that i couldn't celebrate with him. 

Then Love Of My Life came on. my eyes widened at the title. The tear's i was trying to hold back released just from the title itself and i dreaded the lyrics that were about to come. It was the most beautiful song, every line related to our relationship and thing's we used to do together, but i couldn't get over the fact that he kept saying "were". i was the love of his life but i guess he has moved on, it has been a year. I wouldn't blame him, but there would be a little bit of me that would break if he had moved on, considering the biggest reason for us breaking up was that he wasn't sure he could give our relationship 100% with him focusing so hard on his solo career. 

the song came to an end and Mila was still holding my hand and squeezing it, she paused the TV and i turned to look at her confused. 

"was that the last song?" i don't know why, but i didn't want it to end. Even though the song's were causing me heartbreak i didn't want to stop hearing his voice. It was all i had left of him. 

"no, but this last song is really something else. very personal to you. Will you be okay?" she put her hand on my face and looked at me with a sympathetic sort of look. 

"what could be worse then the song we just listened to?" i chuckled, which she did in return and then pressed play and the next song turned on. I looked at the screen and there in bold letters read. Matilda. I gasped and covered my mouth with my hand. "Holy shit" i whispered. 

You were riding your bike to the sound of "It's No Big Deal"
And you're trying to lift off the ground on those old two wheels
Nothing about the way that you were treated ever seemed especially alarming 'til now
So you tie up your hair and you smile like it's no big deal

We had one brief conversation about me growing up with my family in Australia, I thought he would of forgotten. the first verse created a lump in my throat and caused my mouth to become dry. I couldn't even move. 

You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
And not invite your family, 'cause they never showed you love
You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up, mmh

The day i told him about my situation he didn't really say much except for the fact that he was sorry. I thought the way he handled it was completely fine and we moved on. But he had always said to me that he was better at expressing how he felt in song's rather than words. and now i understand what he means. But this verse made me cry. 

You're just in time, make your tea and your toast
You framed all your posters and dyed your clothes, ooh
You don't have to go
You don't have to go home
Oh, there's a long way to go
I don't believe that time will change your mind
In other words
I know they won't hurt you anymore as long as you can let them go

He was right. And i remember telling him that i had learnt that i couldn't carry the burden anymore and i had to let it all go to be able to move forward and not feel so sad anymore. but he has written it better in a song than i could ever say it in person. He is so clever and i admire that about him. Then i started to feel a bit angry, he was saying to the world that i had issue's and everyone know's it is me. He used my literal name and everyone know's we dated. I'm not sure how i feel about that. 

You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
You can start a family who will always show you love
You don't have to be sorry for doing it on your own

we were supposed to start a family together. I guess this is his way of telling me that i can still find that without him. 

the song then ended and i was silent, not even tear's. I wasn't quite sure how to feel other than i wanted to hug him but i couldn't. 

"How do you feel?" Mila asked me. 

"I feel okay"