US - Harry Styles

chapter 10

Harry. 

"How are you feeling mate?" Jeff ask's me as he sits across from me on the brown leather couch at the studio. Jeff was just asking, he dosent think anything is actually going on inside of my mind right now. He doesn't know that seeing Tilda at the MET a few week's ago is actually driving me insane. I know i have no place to be mad as i am in my own relationship. But i just can't help but be mad that she has moved on. It is selfish of me, to want her to myself even though i have moved on. Have i moved on? yeah i have. 

"Yeah all good here" i smile at him. Jeff is one of my best mate's and he will always be there for me. But if i tell him about what is going on with my feeling's about Tilda i know he will tell me i have to let it go as it will just turn messy. But i don't want to hear him say that. 

"Isn't it so cool that Matilda has started Music" he say's, looking up at me with a smirk. I shot my eye's up to him. how did he know i was thinking about her? He probably dosent know and is just starting a conversation as he think's Tilda and i are still on good term's. 

"Yeah i'm so happy for her" i sigh, throwing an awkward smile at him in hope's he will drop the conversation. he smile's back and then claps his hands together and sit's up straighter. "They want more music H" He say's.

"More music?" i scoff "I just finished an album a few month's ago?" i roll my eye's. i have always had this problem with my management, pushing and pushing for more. there is quite literally no end and no break. 

"I know H, but the fan's want more" he sighs in sympathy for me, dosent mean anything to me though, dosent even make me feel better "I don't think you realise how big you are right now, there wont be a good break for awhile" he says. He is right, unfortunately.  

"Okay, I will need some peace and quiet for the next few day's then. I need to get in the zone" i say to him in response. some peace would actually be nice for a few day's. no Olivia, No jeff, No calls or text's. Just me. 

"Okay well i'll leave you to it" he says while he stands up and walks towards the door. "Good luck H" he smiles at me then leaves. 

I pull out my phone and go through my contacts, to let my mates know that i wont be reachable for a few days, they know the drill. I do this a lot when i start my writing process. Then i see Olivia's name, i will have to let her know, she is my girlfriend. Am i even going to miss her for the next few days? i feel like i should already feel dread about knowing that i wont see her, but i don't feel like that at all. that cant be a good sign?  or maybe it is just a comfortable feeling, that i know everything will be okay between us even though we wont be seeing each other. yeah we will go with that. 

H: Hey, starting up writing again. I wont be able to text or anything. I'll see you in a few day's. H x.

i send the text and i was about to put my phone down, it ding's straight away. 

O: Oh okay, I'll miss you x

So what i was feeling wasn't right. i should have a feeling of missing her already. I cant respond to her because i don't want to say it back. it would be lying and i cant do that to her. hopefully she will just think that i have already turned my phone off and didn't see the message. 

I walk into the music room and sit down with my guitar, where to start, where to find inspiration. My mind goes straight to Tilda,  her face just flashed in front of my eye's. this can't be good. I wonder what she is doing right now? i wonder if she is with him, what are they doing together? I pick up my phone and go to her instagram. Straight away i see the photo of her and Austin at the MET, he looks besotted with her, like he really is in love. And she, she look's so comfortable in his presence, i wonder if she feels as comfortable as she did with me? i am going to tell myself that she dosen't just to make myself feel better. 

I think back to the night i saw her at the MET. when he rudely interrupted us and put his arm around her and she sunk right into the side of him. it drove me mad, then when i went to say something she stopped me, it's like she could read my mind and knew i was going to say something that would make the situation more uncomfortable than it already was. Im glad she did, cause i would of regretted it the next day, that i would of done that to her. Then when he said he would meet her outside and she called him baby.. just me remembering it happening makes my stomach turn. I know it is a very common pet name that almost every couple uses. But Tilda and i decided to use that pet name as a joke, we called each other it to be funny as we thought pet name's were always cringe. But she called him it in seriousness, i wonder if it just felt right with him, if it didn't feel right with me to properly call me that. I hate myself right now for thinking so deeply about this, i shouldn't care. I was the one that left and then she let me back in for a split second and i left again. why do i keep letting her go. 

I then swipe off the photo realising i had just been staring at it for 5 minutes. then i click on her recent post, she has released two new songs. it wouldn't hurt to listen to them, would it? i don't think so. I go on her spotify and see the first song BED, i had already heard that song, Olivia had played it in the kitchen without realising it was my ex girlfriend's song. When Olivia played it i tried not to look any different but it was hard not to think if the song was about me. Then i see the new song. Escapism. i press play. 

Sleazin' and teasin', I'm sittin' on him
All of my diamonds are drippin' on him
I met him at the bar, it was 12 or somethin'
I ordered two more wines, 'cause tonight, I want him

She's rapping? i mean it dosent sound like exactly like rapping. but she sound's so confident, so strong. it is different. 

A little context if you care to listen
I find myself in a shit position
The man that I love sat me down last night
And he told me that it's over, dumb decision

Damn. straight to the point i guess. I wonder if she still loved me when i went to her apartment that night. when i walked out on her again. she must of. which only makes me more angry that i left, that we could of been together again. 

And I don't wanna feel how my heart is rippin'
In fact, I don't wanna feel, so I stick to sippin'
And I'm out on the town with a simple mission
In my little black dress, and this shit is sittin'

I had seen after i sent her the flower's that she was going out drinking alot, i thought it was because she was fine. but maybe she wasnt. 

In the back of the taxi, sniffin' cocaine
Drunk calls, drunk texts, drunk tears, drunk sex
I was lookin' for a man who was on the same page
Now it's back to the intro, back to the bar
To the Bentley, to the hotel, to my old ways

Did she sleep with random people during that period before Austin? cocaine? she always used to make fun of me for doing drug's, always scolded me as well and now she has just admitted that she had done it. did i push her to resort to something she was so against to help her feel better? god i feel sick. 

'Cause I don't wanna feel how I did last night
I don't wanna feel how I did last night
Doctor, doctor, anything, please
Doctor, doctor, have mercy on me, take this pain away
You're asking me my symptoms, doctor, I don't wanna feel

I actually feel like i might throw up. just on the fact alone that i made her hurt so much. She was my whole life, for so long. she was my anchor, my life raft, my soulmate. And then i pushed her away, only to give her a glimmer of hope then leave again. I feel sick that i have done this to her, that i made her feel like this. But she must be healing, she seems so happy with Austin, she's moving on and i should too. 

"H" i hear from behind me, it startled me so i quickly jumped up. "Sorry mate, didn't meant to startle you" Mitch say's while laughing at me. I chuckle in response. 

"What you doing here?" i ask mitch, not in a rude way of course, just genuinely asking. thought he would be with Sarah. 

"jeff said you need more song's, thought id pop over and offer up my help" he shrugged his shoulder's, i pursed my lip's together and nodded "Any idea's?" he asked. 

"Yeah i do actually" i said. then we both picked up our guitars.